Once Upon a Time, there was a swordsman named Zoro
by Revan's Soul
Summary: His name? Former pirate hunter Roronoa Zoro, a man feared throughout the Grand Line. His ambition? To become the greatest swordsman in the world. His first plan of action? Get off the Sunny before he goes funny in the head, that's what!
1. Bloody nuisance!

Disclaimer : It all belongs to Eiichirō Oda. Except my sanity. That's mine.  
A/N : Crackfic? Dunno. Mebbe. And because I'm evil, you won't find out why Zoro can't concentrate. Not yet!  
Rating : K (aka PG), for now.

Once Upon a Time, there was a Swordsman named Zoro

* * *

Bloody nuisance!

He snorted, his eyes trailing a distant seagull skidding over the water after its prey.

Had to just let it go. Let it go. Stop thinking and argh, concentrate!

He breathed out deeply, banned all thought from his head and closed his eyes again. Focus. The sun blazed overhead, the sky was deep, deep azure...Heat on his shoulders and back, red spots behind his eyes.

He was centered within himself. Calm. Empty. Weights on his stretched arms, legs crossed in the lotus position....

'SANJIIIIII!!!!! I'm hungry!!!!!!!'

The bellow came from the left. Not expecting running feet accross the deck. No no. This was _Monkey _D. Luffy after all. Had his parents perhaps, in a fit of uncanny foresight, perceived their son's future ability to stretch his arms and swing in the rigging? From mast to mast, even from dinosaur head to....

Zoro head.

Palm landing flat, fingers dug through green spikes, and pushed. Zoro tilted one way, Luffy soared the other. A whizz in the air and then a thud in the vicinity of the galley entrance.

For a second longer, the soon to be greatest swordsman in the world remained perfectly poised and stoic, putting every guru from here to Raftel to shame.

Then he exploded.

'What?' Luffy ceased his onslaught on the galley door to look at the snarling triple-sword wielding demon who'd materialized next to him.

He had his fists up in mid-air, reading for another hammering, when the door opened.

'Lunch is ready-- Oi, Luffy, what did you do this time?'

'Me? Don't know.' The Straw Hats captain bounced into the galley. Zoro sucked in a noisy breath. Sanji regarded him with detached curiosity. Smoke wafted towards Zoro's nose, teasing with the scent of cloves.

'Didn't you hear me, marimo? Lunch is ready. Stop standing there like the bouncer from hell and get inside.'

Then he left to go get the crew.

Zoro went in and sat down on the left bench next to his captain. Luffy, oblivious to the Aura of Murderous Intent, had already begun feeding his face. The rest of the crew filed in. Robin came in first, returned Luffy's cheery "ah, Wobin!" with a serene smile and sat down opposite them, Figures she wouldn't even blink.

Chopper and Usopp came in next, the sniper gesturing excitedly.

'...no way, we'll have to try again later. So weird.'

Luffy made an interrogative munching sound.

'The fish in the aquarium,' Usopp replied. 'They're all hugging the left wall, like there's a predat...' He caught sight of Zoro. His eyes widened and he swallowed hard. 'Eh..eh...' He smiled weakly. 'Zoro-kun. Ha-Having a good day? Nice weather, isn't it?'

All the while he edged closer to the right bench, giving the left one a wide berth. He sat, then Chopper appeared from behind his back and plopped down next to him, eyes round and bright. He scooted over a minute later to make room for Brook, who sat down with slow, careful movements and put his hands on the table where Zoro could see them, and Nami, who gave Zoro the same look she would the frothing jaws of a shark.

The light falling in from the galley door was blotted out for a moment as the last of the crew came in. There was some shuffling on the other bench, then an ominous creaking sound as Franky lowered his bulk.

'Why are you guys all sitting over there?' Luffy demanded. 'Franky, come sit over here!'

'No, that's ok. I...want to sit next to Nami. We haven't sat next to each other for a while, have we?'

Franky gave her a big smile. He got a wan one in return.

Zoro ate silently, feeling not the slightest remorse at terrorizing his crew mates - none of whom had touched their plates. All but one of course.

Sanji took in the full bench and the nearly empty one. He gave Zoro an annoyed look. Then his face changed completely and he sidled over to Nami.

'Nami-swaaan! Come and sit next to me. It's all right,' he assured her when she began to protest. 'I'm here to protect you. Come on.'

Zoro felt his eyebrow twitch. Protect her from what? Dumbass cook!

Sanji took her hand, waited for her to stand up, and led her to her new seat. She sat down opposite Franky. Sanji took her plate, set it down in front of her, then took up the wide space between her and Zoro, his back slightly turned to shield her from the ugly green monster.

'Eat up, come on.'

Slowly, warily, the Straw Hat pirates obeyed their cook and began to eat.

'Seconds!' Luffy declared when Nami had finished about a quarter of her plate. Sanji turned and smiled at him.

The smile was still on his face when he bent down between Luffy and Zoro.

'Coming right up.' And then, patting Zoro's shoulder, tilting his head sideways, so soft a whisper next to his ear only the man himself could hear it, 'Rage in your own sweet time, shitty bastard, not at my table, got it? You're scaring the ladies.'

Zoro's other eyebrow twitched. Scaring the ladies...Like I care, idiot!

He really didn't. As if the women weren't scarier. And he certainly didn't care that cute furry things were hunched over their soba with drooping antlers.

Because he didn't care at all - he was Zoro! - he sighed, and reduced the Aura to himself and the object of his growing irritation next to him.

The tension in the galley relaxed visibly. The antlers perked, cautiously hopeful, shoulders straightened, heads lifted a little higher.

In the aquarium, the fish resumed their normal swimming patterns.

Sanji gave Zoro another pat on the shoulder as he put a freshly filled soba bowl in front of Luffy.

'Sugeeee,' Luffy drawled.

Zoro continued to eat in silence while the others began to talk and eventually, reassured that they wouldn't all be horribly maimed within the next fifteen minutes, chatted away unconcernedly. They didn't take notice of Zoro not talking. That was business as usual.

It wasn't until after the last bite had been taken, and Sanji had been thanked for yet another delicious meal, that Zoro spoke.

'Luffy, I wa--.'

'Hey, Brook, want to go fishing?'

'Yoohoohoohooo!'

Snap.

Zoro stood up, eyes closed, spread fingertips touching the table. 'Franky.'

A wobbling 'Yes?'

'I want the Mini Merry.'

'Okay! Super! You got it!'

Zoro opened his eyes. Yes...once again on the Merry.

He licked his teeth, jaw working, then turned and strode out, hand on Wadō's hilt.

This afternoon, he was going to meditate on a shopping boat and he felt sorry for the poor bastard who DARED to interrupt him.

* * *

tbc? of course! :D


	2. Peaceful Afternoon

Disclaimer : It all belongs to Eiichirō Oda. Except my sanity. That's mine. Until somebody comes and takes that too.  
A/N : So you won't have to wait so long to find out why Zoro is having trouble concentrating :p Shameless referring to Two Guys and a Girl and Shanghai Knights. Be warned.  
Rating : K+? Dunno, nothing happens, it's all suggestive.

Once Upon a Time, there was a Swordsman named Zoro

* * *

**Peaceful afternoon**

o

Luffy, Brook and Usopp had their fishing lines out by the time Franky had the Mini Merry prepped for launch.

'Hey, Zoro, where are you going?' Luffy demanded as he passed them.

'Out.'

'Ah. Don't get lost!'

Brook tugged his fishing line. 'Don't worry, Luffy-san. As long as he keeps the ship in sight, he can't get lost.'

'You're assuming he can follow a straight line back.'

Zoro's thumb pushed up Wadō's tsuba.

'You want to die, sniper king?' he asked quietly.

'Ah Usopp,' Luffy laughed. 'You look almost as white as Brook!'

Wadō slid back into the scabbard.

'Enjoy yourself, swordsman-san,' Robin smiled as he walked past her. She was lounging next to Nami's tangerines trees in her sundeck chair. Zoro nodded curtly and continued to the entrance of the Soldier Dock System.

He climbed down the ladder and found Franky waiting next to Channel 2, where the Mini Merry was docked.

'All ready!' the shipwright announced, wiping sweat off his brow. It really was very hot now, and from the looks of it, it was gonna stay that way all afternoon. Ah well. Good for his endurance training. If he could withstand burning sun-

The hatch opened.

Zoro blinked, fighting the urge to recoil. 'What's that?'

'Great, isn't it?' Franky smiled proudly. 'My latest addition.'

The 'addition' had been placed right in front of the puffing steam engine.

'Give ya some cool shade this afternoon. Can't meditate with the sun beating down on you like that.'

'It's Nami's...'

'Yeah. Made a few adjustments. Complete sun block, three way tilt feature, oversized wind vent...'

Franky's voice became a distant buzzing in his ears. This was what Nami must have felt like when she saw the Waver turned into a rocking horse.

'Thanks Franky.' Zoro said morosely. The big cyborg gave him a hearty slap on the back before leaving him to it. 'You got it.'

Zoro gave himself a few more seconds to digest the picture, then climbed on board the paddle ship. It didn't matter. A true swordsman could meditate anywhere, anytime, under any circumstance. A true swordsman never got embarrassed either.

'Frilly edges...'

Zoro stiffened at the sound of the disbelieving voice behind him. 'At least you won't get sunstroke.'

He twisted round, teeth bared.

'As if I get those!' he barked. The corners of Sanji's lips curled upwards. The insufferable, annoying bastard! Zoro felt his fists ache to punch that smirk right off his face.

'Here.'

Sanji casually tossed something at Zoro, who of course refused to catch it. It fell down next to him. A brown bag with a square black box in it.

'What is it?' he asked aggressively.

'What does it look like, moron?' Sanji titled his head, looking bored, right down to the angle of his cigarette. How did he manage to keep it in his mouth when it was dangling like that anyway? Years of practice no doubt.. Either that or he had gravity-defying cigs. 'It's dinner.'

Zoro turned his back and sat down behind the Merry's steering wheel, ignoring Sanji and his food. 'I'll be back in time for dinner.'

The cook didn't speak, there was only the sound of his retreating footsteps. Zoro's fists clenched around the wooden wheel, then he twisted round and yelled at his back.

'Think I'll get lost and not make it back in time?'

Sanji merely waved a dismissive hand. 'You go, pink umbrella man.'

Zoro, fists clenched so hard now the knuckles were turning white, swore profusely.

'One of these days, I'm definitely gonna kill you!'

He started the ship and steered it out of the Sunny's docking berth, nearly pushing the pedal through the wood. Thankfully, the three stooges were on the other side, so he was spared any further comments about beach umbrella's and shopping boats.

Finally. Away from the things of man.

o

It took him a full hour to get himself sorted. After getting enough distance between himself and the Sunny, he had to calm down, then clear his head. The first wasn't so hard, he'd gotten used to fits of anger serving under an idiot captain.

Clearing his head, now that proved harder.

It just...It just kept coming back to him in bits and pieces. The full image was still too hard to deal with, he guessed, too fresh in his mind too.

If only that red-haired witch hadn't blackmailed him into taking over her watch so she could finish her map of the Florian Triangle. Then he wouldn't have climbed up the ladder, wouldn't have ignored the hastily scrabbled 'do not disturb sign', wouldn't have opened the hatch and wouldn't have seen...

Zoro sucked in a deep breath and curled up his nose against a sudden sting.

Despite what everybody thought, he wasn't made of steel. He could feel something other than battle lust or irritation. If a beautiful woman flashed him like Nami had in Arabasta, Zoro'd pop a few blood vessels just like the rest of them. But any more than that, no. There just wasn't any time for it. They were all on a journey, all had a destiny to fulfil. Everything else would have to wait until then, because until he achieved his goal, he couldn't allow himself to get sidetracked. If he was to become the greatest swordsman in the world, then he had to be in control of himself at all times. No-one or nothing could be allowed to become a distraction and therefore an obstacle.

Just how was he supposed to guard himself against such an onslaught though? Just...seeing, hearing, smelling all of it at once...Sensory overload! And then pain, tumbling down the mast and smacking head first into the deck. Luckily he'd been able to disguise his bloody nose as impact injury.

Maybe if he just focused on keeping the whole thing broken down in details, like it was now, and process them one by one...

All right. Starting with the coconut smell. It would figure the oil would be made of coconuts. No big deal. Used in massage parlours everywhere. Of course, most masseuses used their hands, not their feet to rub it in someone's back.

Where in the Grand Line had that woman picked up a technique like that anyway? Who massaged people's backs with their feet? While lying under them and propping them up almost a foot and a half off the ground with five extra pairs of arms! Hands supporting neck, shoulders, ribs, hips, knees, ankles...That was fifty extra fingers kneading away knots and easing muscle tension, while the feet worked on the lower back.

Judging from the blissful look on her patient's face and the low, content groans, she'd succeeded very well with the relaxing thing.

Zoro wasn't jealous. He had no desire to get a massage just like that and have his body get pawed and bounced around and turned into giddy mulch. As if.

No, no! All of it at once again!

Something wet trickled from his nose.

'Dammit!' He violently wiped his face. 'Dammit, dammit, dammit!'

o

Five hours later, when the sun dipped towards the horizon, his growling stomach announced it was time to eat.

So he'd be too late for dinner after all, but at least getting lost had nothing to do with it.

Zoro pulled the bag towards him and took out the dinner box.

The first thing he saw when he opened it was a note with a small, familiar hoof print on it and scribbled under it, instructions on what he had to do in case he felt a sunstroke coming on.

'_Ha_?' Zoro picked up the object that had been hidden under the note and stared at it. The stare narrowed under a deep frown of angular eyebrows, then turned blind and unblinking. 'You bastards!' he bellowed to the black speck on the horizon that was the Sunny. 'I don't need a log pose to find my way back if I can still see the ship!'

Zoro threw the instrument down in disgust and stuffed a takoyaki in his mouth. Meddling idiots.

He chewed angrily, but the damn takoyaki was so delicious it appeased his foul mood somewhat.

Speaking of delectable….

Zoro's frustrated scream rang across the waves.

'Daaaammiiiiiitttt!'

* * *

o

more more, coming when I'm inspired!


	3. Yohoho and a bottle of rum!

Disclaimer : It all belongs to Eiichirō Oda. Except my sanity. That's mine. Once again.  
A/N : This is going to be an extremely short chappie as I am so busy it's not even funny anymore. It was supposed to be part of a longer chapter but it'll take too long to write the whole thing already. I'll post more as soon as I can.  
Rating : K (aka PG), for now.

Once Upon a Time, there was a Swordsman named Zoro

* * *

Finally it stopped.

_Kuso_! He'd lost less blood when Kuma had done his number on him.

Zoro tossed the takoyaki wrapping-turned-nose plugs into the sea and set back towards the ship with a full moon and a host of stars lighting his way and a mood heavy enough to sink the little boat.

Estimate was he'd spent a total of nine hours paddling after the Sunny while meditating.

It hadn't helped much.

Oh, his mind had definitely been empty for the last two of those hours, but much as he'd like to think it was because he'd finally managed to purge these unbidden and unwanted thoughts, he wasn't one to lie, least of all to himself. More likely he simply hadn't been _able _to think anymore because he didn't have any blood left in his brain.

Zoro kept his gaze fixed on the Sunny, steadily drawing closer.

Well, if at first you don't succeed, try again. He wasn't one to get discouraged by a little set back. Tomorrow he'd try again, soon as he got the chance. Eventually, the meditation would help. It was just a matter of persevering. Or dying of blood loss. Whichever came first. Death before dishonour was his creed anyway.

Soon as he was close enough to be able to discern figures, he looked at the white railing on the main deck. Nobody up there, from the looks of it. They'd probably all gone to bed already. Only one person would be left on deck or in the crow's nest to keep watch.

Zoro didn't bother manoeuvring the Mini Merry to the docking berth, it would be closed. Rather he paddled to the back of the ship and saw what he had expected to find there, a long thick white rope tied from the stern, the end submerged in the waves. Franky's doing, probably.

He picked up the end and tied it around the Merry's figure head. A quick crawl up and he landed on the deck.

There was someone on watch, nestled against the galley door wrapped in a blanket and snoring softly.

Zoro frowned and walked over. He planted his feet firmly on the deck and his fists in his sides, towering menacingly.

'If I was an enemy, you'd all be slaughtered by now,' he said, voice flat and disapproving. 'Not to mention you could have set the deck on fire.'

Zoro lifted a foot and stamped out the cigarette which had fallen out of Sanji's slightly open, slightly drooling mouth. He didn't need to, the cigarette had burned out already, but he did it anyway out of sheer annoyance. If he'd expected Sanji to startle awake and look appropriately guilty about his lapse before falling back on defensive insults, he was sadly disappointed though.

Zoro tapped his knee with his foot.

'Oi. Cook.'

There was only continued snoring. Zoro squatted and looked into Sanji's face, frowning a little, then deeper when his nose picked up another scent mixed up with the cigarette smell.

Rum.

He lifted a piece of the blanket. Sure enough, Sanji's fingers were closed around a bottle.

Zoro's eyes travelled back up to the other man's face. For as long as he'd known them, Zoro had never caught any of his nakama drinking on watch. It was plain reckless, and none of them would ever endanger the crew like that.

So why…?

Zoro didn't ask. He just sat down next to the sleeping idiot and took the empty bottle from an unresisting hand.

He'd ask questions tomorrow morning, in the full light of day, about two minutes after Sanji woke up. Just enough time for the body to come to full awareness, for the hang-over to reach full effect.

And then he'd grill the snot out of him.

No mercy for moron cooks.

* * *

tbc...


	4. What shall we do with the drunken sailor

Disclaimer : It all belongs to Eiichirō Oda. Except my sanity. That's mine.  
A/N : Posting in little parts, weehee.  
Rating : K (aka PG), for now.

Once Upon a Time, there was a Swordsman named Zoro

* * *

_Sensitivity to light._

Bright bright sunlight shining in straight from above, capturing them in a shaft of light as if it was sent from the gods above.

The gods that were on Zoro's side and wanted to torture Sanji, that is.

The crumpled heap of blanket shifted. A fluttering of eyelids. Not long now.

Bleary eyes opened, arcs of dazed blue against bloodshot white.

_Sensitivity to sound._

'Oi, Cook, wake up!'

Sanji cringed, eyes squeezing shut, hands flying up to cover his ears. A nearly lyrical flow of swearwords followed.

'Don't swear like that in the company of ladies,' Zoro said, adopting Sanji's preferred referral to women.

Sanji's eyes flew open all the way. He first looked at Zoro, squatting in front of him, chin resting on a hand. Then he looked around wildly.

_Headache._

He stopped short and grabbed his head, moaning painfully.

'You bastard, they're not around.'

'What if one of them walked up? You wouldn't want them to hear you go on like that huh? And look at yourself. You're a mess. You smell and your clothes…'

_Nausea._

Sanji looked at his rumpled appearance and straightened up rapidly, smoothing out his clothes as if he was putting out flames. At least he wanted to straighten up rapidly, but he only managed to sort his vest when he looked like he was going to be sick and swayed.

Zoro veered up and caught his elbow, steering him sideways a little so he'd throw up next to rather than on him. Sanji shook him off, and swayed again. But he didn't get sick. Still, he looked like he was going to any moment now.

'You know, I've seen you chug down a lot more than one bottle. Must have been strong stuff in there.'

Sanji frowned and looked down. The dark bottle stood next to where Zoro had sat.

'What are you talking about?' he asked, turning confused eyes back on Zoro. 'I...I got drunk?'

Sanji sounded utterly disbelieving. He shook his head.

'No, I don't drink on watch.'

'I'd be inclined to believe you, if I hadn't found you yesterday on deck snoring your ass off.'

Sanji stared at him, looking stunned, angry and confused all at once.

'I wouldn't,' he repeated.

'But you did. Why?'

Sanji lowered his eyes and looked sideways a moment, muttering something under his breath.

'What was that?'

'I said I don't remember.'

Zoro arched his eyebrows, a whole new avenue of torture opening.

'You don't remember...what, the whole evening? You don't remember anything?'

Sanji frowned deeply, as if Zoro had asked a question requiring him to delve back years in his memory rather than hours.

'I washed the dishes with Franky. After that...'

'Nothing?' Zoro ventured.

'Nothing.'

'Complete blank?'

Sanji nodded.

'Hm.' Zoro rubbed his chin thoughtfully. 'Memory loss after a hangover. Does that happen?'

Sanji gave him a withering look. It wasn't so impressive when he looked like he was about to keel over. Zoro decided to let him off the hook a little, not because he took pity, but because you shouldn't finish your victims off too fast if you wanted to have a little fun first.

'You should leave the heavy stuff to people who can hold their liquor.'

It was a very good thing the women were not around to hear their hung-over cook swearing like...well like a pirate, really.

Zoro squatted to pick the bottle up.

'As if you can take more than I can,' Sanji bit back. 'What is this stuff anyway?'

He took the bottle from Zoro in a slow-motion snatch. Zoro smirked just a little. One push of a finger and he'd topple over.

Sanji struggled to focus his eyes on the label of the bottle. A skull and crossbones with a trident next to it. Zoro had seen the smattering of lines written under it yesterday, but hadn't bothered to read them. Just as well, apparently.

'What the hell…"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." '

'As far as sales pitches go, that one sucks.'

'Idiot.' Sanji turned the bottle over. 'Hey look, it's a treasure map.'

Zoro took the bottle back from him.

'Hey!' Sanji protested.

He scanned the drawing on the back. Crudely drawn, a dotted line ran from an island with a single watchtower on a shore to an island with what looked like a labyrinth covering most of its surface.

'What is it?' Sanji came to stand next to him, only he wobbled and bumped into Zoro, latching on to his shoulder for support and slumping forward.

Zoro looked down in exasperation at the blond head blocking his view. Sanji clutched the bottle over his hand and Zoro could feel his breath on his fingers. He had to have his face nearly pressed against the bottle.

The moron was still half drunk. Zoro pulled his hand back and stepped back. That was a mistake. Sanji, suddenly without support, fell down. Zoro looked down at him as he got back up on his hands and knees, cursing.

'You really should watch your mouth.'

That earned him a crude suggestion about where he should go and what he should do with himself once he got there. The corner of Zoro's mouth twitched upwards in a smirk.

Sanji crawled forward on all fours, lifted an arm and grabbed the galley door handle. He drew himself up and pushed the door open.

Zoro followed him into the kitchen. He wasn't done yet.

He put the bottle down on the bar and leant against it, arms crossed. 'You know if you don't remember what happened last night, I'd be more than happy to fill you in.'

Sanji took a glass from the cupboard.

'I must say, I didn't know you could dance like that.'

A hand hovered over the tap a moment before turning it open.

'You were on a roll. Smooth moves.'

Water poured into the glass.

'Robin was very impressed.' Zoro lifted a hand to wiggle a finger at Sanji. 'Was that your own version of the forbidden dance you did with her or did y--'

Water splurted out of Sanji's nose and mouth. He started coughing and clutched the edge of the sink for support.

It went on for a while until Zoro slapped him on the back.

'Relax, idiot cook. I'm just messing with you.'

He felt a little bit guilty when Sanji turned a beet red face to him, gasping and looking utterly wretched. Was it because he couldn't believe he'd done something like that or because he'd forgotten about it? Meh, who cared? Sanji's face was worth it. Besides, the idiot had it coming. He really shouldn't have been drinking on wa--

Zoro jumped back just in time to avoid a kick to the face. He could feel the air whiz where the hard tip of Sanji's shoe missed his chin by about half an inch.

'Bastard,' Sanji snarled.

'Next time, don't drink on watch,' Zoro retorted heavily. Sanji turned away sullenly. 'So, when's breakfast?'

Having nothing nearby to throw at Zoro but himself - all kitchen implements were sacred to Sanji - he lunged forward, but Zoro was faster.

'Got it! Take your time, whip up some breakfast for yourself first. Nice greasy bacon, running eggs…'

He slammed the door shut behind him a split second before a heel crashed into it.

The Thousand Sunny creaked and shuddered.

That, Zoro thought happily, saved him the effort of waking the rest of the crew up.

o

tbc...


	5. The plot thickens

Disclaimer : It all belongs to Eiichirō Oda. Except my sanity. That's mine.  
A/N : Corrected a few mistakes (both spelling and content O.o). Thanks everyone for the feedback, it's nice to know what you think ^^ All right, this chappie is going to be hot. I guarantee it :D Also, I realise this Zoro is more naughty than in the anime, but here's how I see it. The anime puts Zoro either in fights that give character insights that only pertain to his being a warrior, or in funny situations where he's the victim, rather than having some fun himself. It's not right! Somebody had to let Zoro out to play! So I did. Don't think of this as straying from his personality, but rather as adding to it, by putting him in situations that usually don't occur in One Piece. Ha! Bet you never knew he could be this mischievous!  
Rating : K

o

**Once Upon a Time, there was a Swordsman named Zoro**

* * *

o

**The plot thickens  
**

o

o

Since there was now someone up and on guard - as he was supposed to have been all along, carefree bastard - Zoro could turn in. He decided to skip breakfast. He wasn't hungry at the moment and right now letting Sanji feed him didn't seem like a good idea. Sanji normally never messed with their food, but even he on one occasion had been driven to extremes by Luffy - Zoro could relate - and had drugged their captain a little. He wouldn't be so kind on Zoro right now though.

Zoro walked to the stern of the ship, took a leak, then climbed the ladder up to the survey room and went up to the attic bath house. He stripped and washed himself with cold water first, then filled the tub again for a bath as hot as he could make it, cranking the temperature dial all the way to the right.

He hadn't taken a steam bath since Alabasta, but he remembered how incredibly relaxing it had been. He could use some of that right now.

Steam slowly filled the room and fogged the windows. None of it went down to the library, courtesy of the ventilation system Franky had installed in the roof.

When his toes informed him the water was painfully hot. Zoro went in, ignoring his skin trying to tell him it was being cooked off, and submerged himself. His abused nose pricked, as did a few scabs here and there. He yawned hugely and sank back against the smooth tub wall, arms draped over the edge. Ahh, this was nice. He let his head rest on the rounded edge with a content smile. This...was emptiness.

He decided to forgive Franky for the umbrella, seeing as how the shipwright had been so thoughtful to install heating elements under the tub. They kept the water hot while Zoro dozed off peacefully, not a care in the world.

Until the door downstairs flew open with a bang.

Zoro opened his eyes, but only so far as slits. What did he have to do to get some peace and quiet around here just once!

'Luffy, dammi-- _ha_?'

He'd thought it was Luffy as he was the only one Zoro could think of that would make an entrance like that, but it was Sanji who crawled up the ladder. Even though he was mostly obscured by billowing steam, Zoro could make out the outline of his silhouette. Sanji's shoulders were heaving with exertion.

'That eager to see me naked, huh?'

Sanji stepped towards him, but not for round two apparently.

'Nami-san and Robin-chan!' he blurted out. 'They're gone!'

Zoro frowned. He couldn't see Sanji's expression, but the cook sounded freaked out. Zoro wasn't inclined to take his concerns over women seriously even in normal circumstances though.

' 'the hell are you going on about?' he grumbled.

'They're gone, you ape!' Sanji shook his fists angrily. 'What part of that don't you understaaa...Whoa!'

Zoro jerked away from the tub's edge, arms coming forward in an instinctive warding gesture, though Sanji was out of reach. 'Watch out!'

Sanji's foot slipped on the green bar of soap Zoro had left at the edge. He pitched forward into the tub, flailing.

Zoro shut his eyes just in time as a small tidal wave surged up and hit him in the face. They flew back open when Sanji's forehead banged against his chest and knocked his breath out with an 'oof'.

The cook went under.

Zoro reacted with lightning speed, twisting sideways as his hands frantically dove into the water to pull Sanji back up. He found arms, gripped them right beneath the shoulders and yanked them up hard.

Sanji resurfaced with a spluttering cough. Zoro seethed at the wet bangs slicked over the cook's eyes.

'What the hell is with this water?' Sanji yelped. 'It's freaking boiling!' He shook his head, clearing the hair from his eyes and sending water spraying across Zoro's. 'Are you trying to cook yourself, idiot marimo!'

'What the hell are you doing, stupid cook!' Zoro yelled, cringing inwardly at the hitch in his voice. The situation was enough to unnerve any grown man though.

Zoro suddenly gripped Sanji's arms harder, heart somersaulting in his chest.

'Hey! What are you--'

Sanj's glare evaporated. His eyes went wide at the sound of the ladder to the attic creaking, again. Both men looked sideways, horrified, at the top rung, just visible beyond the floor. Perhaps Sanji was seeing the same thing in his mind's eye. Nami's face, appearing between the ladder poles. Yes, she would be the worst person to come up right now. The scene playing out in front of her? Years of blackmail material. He'd never live it down. Neither would Sanji but she didn't need to resort to blackmail to get him to do stuff for her. He'd be more worried about his reputation. Getting caught in this situation would be very bad indeed.

No, this was actually beyond bad. This was disastrous. They were in a *bathtub* together, their faces inches apart, Zoro seemingly pulling Sanji towards him. They were both flushed - courtesy of the steam - Zoro was stark-naked and Sanji was soaking wet, shirt sticking to his skin.

But their very own resident evil did not appear. After a few unbearable moments of listening to the silence, Zoro's heartbeat slowed down to a normal rhythm again.

It had just been wood creaking, nothing more. Zoro offered a silent thanks to the four winds.

'Phew. That scared me. Shitty ladder.' Sanji looked away from it with a relieved sigh. 'You can let go of me, idiot.'

Zoro was only too happy to oblige and shoved the moron back. The only reason he'd held on was to be able to push him under if somebody really had come up - even if he about drowned him.

He didn't catch Sanji's reply as the cook almost went under again. Zoro turned to get out of the tub. It wasn't going to be that easy though. His legs jack-knifed under him as a foot hit him against the back of his left knee, as hard and fast as it would have above water.

'Stop messing around!' Sanji snarled, drawing up his leg and landing a kick on Zoro's back. How he managed that in such a small space was beyond Zoro. Bendy bastard, he thought as he slammed into the tub. Sanji gripped the edge of the tub and started to pull himself up, right next to Zoro, just to rub it in.

Damned if Zoro was gonna let him get out first. He kicked his legs and surged out of the water. They bumped shoulders, lost their balance and went over the edge of the tub.

Zoro had never gotten to his feet faster, disentangling himself from the heap of limbs at record speed while Sanji was still getting up.

'You're the one who's messing around!' he yelled.

'Nami-san and Robin-chan are missing!' Sanji shook his waterlogged clothes.

Oh yeah, that's what had started this whole thing.

Zoro grabbed a towel and started drying himself off. 'What do you mean, missing?' he asked. Sanji meanwhile took off his shoes and let the water pour out.

'Meaning they weren't in their cabin when I brought them breakfast.'

'Did you look in the --'

'Yeah.'

'And the--

'Yeah!'

'What about the--'

'I've looked everywhere. Even in the docking system! They didn't take the sub, it's still there, and you took the shopping boat.'

Zoro, halfway dressed, paused before pulling his shirt over his head and turned towards Sanji, who was sitting on the ground putting his shoes back on.

'You want a beating?'

'Hn.'

He pulled his shirt down and put on his sword belt and haramaki. Didn't look like he was going to get any sleep soon, not until the women had been found anyway. Sanji's face all but disappeared when he blew out the smoke of not one but three cigarettes. Zoro had never seen him smoke more than one at the same time. The bastard really had to be worried.

Zoro clipped the three scabbards to his belt. They hung in a new order now, with the much heavier Shūsui replacing Yubashiri. It was going to take some getting used to.

'Did you ask the others?'

'No, they weren't around.'

Sanji seemed to realize something, and scratched the back of his head. 'Come to think of it. I couldn't find them either.'

Not one but several veins popped as Zoro stared at Sanji in disbelief.

'What?'

'They weren't anywhere on the ship.'

'You mean they're missing too?'

'Seems like it.'

'And you didn't notice?!' Zoro exploded. Sanji at least had the decency to looked somewhat embarrassed.

'Yes, well I wasn't really paying attention. After I saw Nami-san and Robin-chan were missing--'

'You forgot everyone else!' Zoro barked. 'You lech of a cook!'

'Hey watch your mouth.'

''Tch.' Zoro climbed down the ladder and stomped out of the survey room with Sanji in his wake. He turned in front of the aftcastle.

The wind was picking up, whipping at their hair and blowing cigarette smoke westwards.

'All right, let's do another search. You check the fore, I'll check the aft, meet up again at the capstan.'

'Don't boss me around,' Sanji warned with a low voice, but the threat had no bite. He took off at a run toward the quarters. Zoro followed him round the aftcastle and went in. Kitchen, dining hall - Sanji had put down Robin and Nami's breakfast on the table. Zoro's stomach growled at the sight of it, but he left it alone for now. Somehow it didn't seem right to eat it, not until they were found. It'd probably go bad meanwhile, but he had a feeling Sanji wouldn't forgive him. Not that he cared.

Just like on deck, there were no signs of a struggle, nothing had been damaged, not even disturbed. Same for the pantry and infirmary, empty and intact. He ran back out, down the stairs and into the Aquarium bar. Same scenario. Zoro continued to the energy room and took the ladder down to check Usopp and Franky's work spaces. No-one there, and their equipment was intact.

Sanji wasn't at the capstan yet when he arrived. Zoro took the time to think over the search. No sign of a struggle and nothing stolen, but the crew was gone. Not a pirate attack then - not your typical one anyway. But what kind of pirates stole crew instead of treasure and ships? The Thousand Sunny was a magnificent ship at that. No way they'd just let it be.

It could have been bounty hunters maybe. But they'd very likely take the ship back with them as well.

Wait. They had met a pirate once who stole crew. What was his name again? He had a flag of a cat...Silly Cat? Sly Cat? Silver Cat? Something like that....But if it had been pirates like that and the crew was the only thing they were interested in, why hadn't they taken Sanji? Granted, he was a pain in the ass, but still....

Zoro was roused from his thoughts at the sound of running footsteps coming from the corridor to the right of the Waver's dock system. Sanji appeared, hair and clothes dried by the wind and still smoking three cigarettes. He was alone.

When he caught sight of Zoro standing at the capstan, he slowed to a walk.

'That settles it,' Zoro said. 'They're not on the ship.'

Sanji flicked a small pile of ashes on the ground. 'I didn't see signs of a struggle, did you?'

'No. Nothing got stolen either.'

'It doesn't make any sense. They wouldn't just get taken without putting up a fight.'

'Unless they didn't get a chance to. Sneak attack.'

Sanji's gaze became hard. 'You mean, like with gas or something?'

'Gas, fast-working poison arrows....There's gutless cowards who fight like that. Remember what happened to Brook's crew.'

It seemed like Sanji wanted to say something, but then he looked away, teeth clenched around his cigarettes. Zoro knew what he was thinking. A sneak attack might have been avoided if he'd kept watch like he was supposed to. That was a truth they couldn't get around, and Zoro never sugar-coated stuff, not that Sanji needed that.

But then a possibility occurred to him.

'Sanji, you don't remember anything after you washed the dishes with Franky, right?'

'I already told you. Nothing.' Sanji shook his head. 'One damn bottle.'

'Do you know anything about it? The bottle?'

Sanji looked back at him. 'Yeah. Robin bought it in that village we visited couple of days ago.'

Yes, that village he remembered all too well. That's where his troubles had started.

'Why?' Sanji prompted.

'Where did she buy it?'

'I don't know.' Sanji shrugged. 'Some liquor store. What does it matter?' His eyes widened a little. 'Wh- You think...there was something in the rum?'

'Well if you think about it, it is kind of weird. I mean, even a pansy like you wouldn't pass out from just one bottle.'

'I do not pass out,' Sanji growled, back to old form. Good. Zoro liked an annoying cook much better than a sullen one.

'It's still in the kitchen, right?' Zoro turned and walked back to the energy room.

'What, you gonna look it over for clues?'

Zoro smirked at the mocking tone. Yes, this Sanji was much better.

'It's the only lead we have, thanks to you pulling a Sleeping Beauty on us.'

A foot struck his jaw, imprinting upon it the smug grin he'd flashed over his shoulder.

'By the way, stupid swordsman, you shouldn't leave soap lying around. That's dangerous, you know.'

Sort of...liked him better.

* * *

o

tbc


	6. Message on a bottle

Disclaimer : It all belongs to Eiichirō Oda. Except my sanity. That's mine.  
A/N : This is an evil chappie. Pure evil. I hope you like it. I tend to miss typo's, if you see any lemme know :s.  
Rating : K

o

**Once Upon a Time, there was a Swordsman named Zoro**

* * *

o

**Message on a bottle**

o

o

His head hurt like hell.

Zoro screwed his eyes open. Thankfully the light was very dim. Anything bright and his head might explode. Like Sanji's.

Wait. Splitting head ache. Sensitivity to light...

Zoro sat bolt upright, banged his head and fell down again, his stomach turning.

'Take it easy, Sleeping Marimo. You smash a hole through the hull, we'll sink like a stone.'

'What...What happened?'

'You know with all the boozing you do, I never would have thought one lick could knock you out.'

Zoro stared at Sanji's head above a familiar chair.

'Lick?'

'Yeah. There were a few drops left in the bottle. You licked them. Wanted to know what the rum tasted like?'

'Tasted like...' Zoro repeated dumbly. He swallowed against a bout of nausea and made his way forward from the back where Sanji had dumped him. A few drops...It couldn't be. It'd take more than that.

But...Sanji wouldn't lie, and the bottle had been empty. Save for those few drops. But no way...No way that could do him over like this.

Zoro sat down heavily in the seat next to Sanji. Sanji was focused on steering, but risked a sideways look. What he saw made him cringe.

'If you're gonna throw up, do it outside.'

Zoro snarled. 'We're in the submarine!'

Submerged deep for that matter, the water was so dark it was almost black. All colours were dim and subdued, the edges faded.

'Don't let that stop you,' Sanji said. Zoro sank back against his chair and massaged his forehead. Even his hair hurt.

'How...how did we get here? Where's the Sunny?'

'You mean you don't remember?' Sanji asked mockingly.

'If I did I wouldn't ask.'

'Hm. Memory loss after a hang over. Does that happen?'

Sanji apparently had no problem provoking people in small spaces.

'Just tell me.'

'Well, we took another look at the bottle, didn't find anything aside from that dumb treasure map...'

'I remember that much.'

'We sailed back to the island...'

'I've forgotten hours, not days!'

'...arrived this morning at the skerry where we docked the first time we came here...'

Right. After being fired upon from the harbour by cannons mounted on the walls of a cliffside fortress, they'd come to the conclusion that no, pirates were not welcome there. Rather than shoot back and beat everyone up - Luffy's eager suggestion, hunger having nibbled at his control - they'd sailed back a bit, hidden the Sunny behind the skerry and set out on the Mini Merry. Zoro, Sanji and Robin, off on their little adventure after having drawn the short end of the stick.

'That's when you decided to lick the bottle,' Sanji went on. 'After you fainted-'

'I do not faint!' Zoro spat. He squeezed his eyes shut and clutched his head. Even so, if he felt like this after only a few drops, Sanji must have gone through hell. Maybe Zoro shouldn't have been so harsh to him.

'After you fell to the ground in a really manly way...'

No, he should have been harsher.

'...I dragged your sorry ass into the sub.'

'Why not take the Merry?'

Sanji stared at him unblinkingly. 'It has a pink umbrella on it.'

The sub careened wildly, shooting headlong through a pod of fish who scattered about in terror. After the dust settled and they were once again sitting straight in their chairs, Sanji nursing a big lump on his head, Zoro felt more sick and better at the same time.

The sub slowly rose, the water becoming gradually lighter. Zoro looked through the forward window at the sunrays penetrating the surface of the water. Sanji aimed for the shimmering light above.

'Hurts, doesn't it?' he asked when they surfaced and daylight hit the sub.

Zoro shielded his eyes. 'Shut up.'

The sub washed ashore on a sandy beach. It was small but went deeply land inwards, with a lush rain forest lining the edge.

'If I remember right, it's a short hike through some plantations to the village,' Sanji said as they climbed out. 'Gimme a hand here. If you can stay on your feet.'

'Shut the hell up!'

They put their shoulders behind the sub and pushed it to the trees. Zoro sliced some branches off large ferns and arranged them across the sub while Sanji scoured the tree line looking for a path.

The cook looked over at Zoro when he was done with the sub. 'Oh, well done.' Sanji gave a thumbs up. 'Nice flower arrangement.'

'They're leaves!'

Sanji turned back to the trees, looking to and fro. 'Ah shoot. I can't find it.'

Zoro walked towards him. 'Can't find what?'

'The path you cut us when we were last here. I was sure it was around here somewhere.'

'Doesn't matter.' Zoro drew Wadō and Shūsui. 'Nitōryū. Sai Kuru!'

He plunged into the foliage. Trees, leaves, roots went flying in the air, chopped into little pieces. Sanji followed, muttering something about pruning shrubs, but Zoro barely heard him. He listened only to his swords, carving his path out in front of him.

Then he was slicing air. They'd cleared the forest and arrived at a bordering plantation. Dividing the forest and the field was a large dirt road. Zoro sheathed his swords.

'We went this way last time too.' Sanji looked to the right. 'This road goes all the way to the village.'

'All right.' Zoro turned right.

'Robin-chan said this species of sugarcane only grows on this island,' Sanji said as they walked along side the fields . It was almost noon and Zoro was getting hungry, but his hang-over was getting better though. The weather was great and the fields swayed in a weak breeze. His head was slowly clearing. 'That's what gives the rum its unique flavour.'

They didn't speak after that, just walked in silence while the sun crawled towards its zenith. Zoro let the world impress itself on his senses. The soft light of the noon sky, the sun obscured partly by a cloud. The hard dirt beneath his feet and the smell of Sanji's cigarettes mixed with sweet sugarcane.

By the time they reached the outskirts of the village, his hangover was gone completely and he felt utterly relaxed.

The road eventually passed by a large brick building with the name Alba Libre painted on the wall in huge off white letters.

'Hey, Alba Libre. Isn't that the name of the...'

'Rum, yeah,' Sanji said. 'This is probably the main sugarcane plant.'

A sleeping old man sat on a cot against the wall, a shock of frizzy white hair emerging from under a large reed hat. A gnarly walking stick stood next to him.

Sanji approached him. 'Excuse me, old man.'

The hat lifted to reveal a wrinkled face, but not a man's. Rather a very old woman, in farmer's overalls.

'Eh...S-sorry,' Sanji stuttered. The old woman's gaze shifted to Zoro, who stood next to Sanji impassively. Sanji showed her the bottle. 'Do you know anything about this map?'

The old woman looked at the bottle, then back up at them with a nearly toothless smile. 'You like our island rum, do you?'

'It's...very strong.'

'I'll say! A few drops are enough to floor a couple of dumplings like you,' she snickered, then broke into a hacking fit as Zoro flinched and went red in the face.

After she recovered, she nodded sagely. 'Line your stomach. Always line your stomach.'

'So...about this map?' Sanji tried again. He wasn't blushing nearly as hard as Zoro. Probably because he'd drunk the whole bottle and hadn't been much worse off than Zoro who'd only had a few drops. Bastard.

'What map?' the old woman asked.

'On the bottle.'

'Let me see. Hey, that's our rum.'

Zoro put down a hand on a shaking shoulder and took over. 'Can you tell us anything about this map?'

'We don't have maps on our bottles.'

'There's one on this one.'

'No, no.'

'You said it was your rum.'

She shooed him away. 'Don't talk nonsense! The only Alba Libre rum that ever had maps on the bottle was brewed by Black Calico, but that was over a hundred years ago and he only made about twenty of 'em that he gave to his mates. I know, my daddy was his best friend. Calico gave him the last bottle, and my daddy gave it to me for my eightieth birthday, bless him.'

Sanji and Zoro exchanged a look. Durable old coot, that daddy.

'Black Calico,' the old woman mused, looking up at the sky with a reminiscing smile. 'Best rum maker there ever was.'

'Well they're not all gone,' Zoro said quickly before she got lost in memory lane. 'We have one.'

'One what?'

'One bottle of rum.'

'You have rum?'

Sandai Kitetsu seemed to jump out of its scabbard of its own will, catching a glint of sunlight in a murderous reflection. But Sanji pushed down Zoro's hand and stopped him from killing harmless senile old ladies.

The woman recoiled, eyes going wide.

'Bl-Black Calico's map!'

She clutched at her chest and collapsed. Sanji and Zoro stared at the sagging reed hat, jaws hitting the ground.

'Look what you did!' Sanji yelled. 'You killed her!' He squatted in front of the woman and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her very gently. 'Oi, oi, granny! Can you hear me? Oi!'

'I didn't...I didn't kill her!' Zoro protested. No way. This couldn't be happening, not again.

'Stop pulling your shitty swords on old people, marimo monster!'

Wait, not again? Who else...He remembered someone. Yes. There was an old man...and goats? Why were there goats?

Sanji stopped the shoulder shakes.

'She dead?' Zoro asked anxiously. Sanji stood up slowly, shoulders hunched. He suddenly spun. Zoro saw something black whiz towards his head but he'd been caught off guard and didn't have time to dodge.

'She's SNORING!'

Zoro picked himself up off the ground. After his headache had just gone away, too!

'One of these days, you're really going to kill someone!' Sanji bellowed.

'Yeah and guess who it's gonna be!'

'Bring it!'

The fight lasted until a walking stick whacked them over the head.

'Too noisy!' the old woman yelled, getting in a few extra hits on her crumpled victims, just for good measure. 'Kids nowadays. No respect for their elders.'

Sanji and Zoro got up and bowed. 'We're sorry.'

'That's better. Now get out of here so I can sleep.'

'Hai.'

They continued to walk to the village.

'At least we know something more.' Sanji held the bottle up. 'This is Black Calico's map. A rum maker.'

'But does this have anything to do with the others? If we're just on a wild goose chase here...'

'It's the only lead we have.' Sanji pointed to the islands on the treasure map. 'If nothing turns up there, we'll just sail all the islands nearby till we find them. They can't have just disappeared.'

Zoro didn't speak. Sanji knew as well as he did the stories of ships and crew disappearing on the Grand Line without a trace. But they hadn't had the likes of Zoro and Sanji chasing after them. If their nakama were alive somewhere, they'd find them.

They had to. The alternative was unthinkable.

o

They walked into the village, up a wide cobbled road leading under an arch.

'All right, so where is this shop'? Zoro asked.

'I don't know.'

'What do you mean? You were with Robin when she bought the bottle, weren't you?'

'Yes but I...'

'But you what?'

'I wasn't really paying attention.'

'Start paying attention then, ero-cook!'

They passed a plump woman carrying a full fruit basket. She looked quite startled at Zoro's outburst.

'Hey,' Zoro said. The woman stopped but looked like she'd rather run away instead. 'My comrade bought this rum here in the village a few days ago. Can you tell me who sells it?'

Zoro pointed to the bottle. Aside from startled, she now also looked somewhat offended at being addressed so brusquely, but when she saw the bottle she was so surprised she forgot all about it.

'Oh, that's Black Calico's rum! My my, I haven't seen one of those bottles in thirty years, not since Granny Shaol drank the last one. Where on earth did you find this?'

Another look was exchanged. Granny Shaol...That old head banger at the sugarcane plant? And that was thirty years ago? That meant she was over a hundred!

'Like I said, my comrade bought it here recently.'

She huffed and shook her head as if Zoro'd just said something ludicrous.

'That's...very hard to believe, actually.' She gave them a derisive look, as if she were dealing with a pair of lying kids. 'I mean, you're obviously not from around here and I can't imagine anyone from the village selling our most sacred rum to outsiders.'

'Someone did,' Zoro said curtly. The thought obviously upset her and he had no particular desire to offend her further, but they didn't have time to cater to sensitivities. They had their nakama to find. 'So who sells it?'

'What my friend means is that the rum was so incredibly good we'd like some more,' Sanji said in placating tones after shooting Zoro a reproachful look.

'Well you won't find it here anymore. I've told you, the last bottle was drunk over thirty years ago.'

'Then how about we buy the most exquisite rum the island has now? I'm sure that way we won't be disappointed.'

Zoro watched with a mixture of awe and disgust how Sanji moved closer to her and swooned over her as if she was one of his dream beauties. Unlike on them, it worked on the woman like a charm. Despite the fact she had to weigh as much as Zoro and Sanji together, she floated out of the street as light as feather.

Sanji lit up a cigarette. 'So, two places you can buy booze in town. One is called Sweetwater's, the other Rails' Liquors.'

'I can't believe you did that.'

'We'll split up, you take Sweetwater's, I'll take Rails', meet back here, ok?'

'I bet that cost you.'

'At the sign of the...' Sanji looked up at the wooden board suspended next to the entrance of a restaurant a few houses down the street. '...the Prancing Parrot.'

'You did look at her, did you?'

Sanji tilted his head back and blew smoke straight up in the air, then finally acknowledged him with a serious look.

'I saw a lady who could help us. Now...' Sanji pointed at the sign. Indeed there was a parrot painted on it, prancing about with one wing up in the air. 'Meet back here.'

'All right.'

'Don't get lost too badly. We don't have the time.'

'You just worry about yourself. One beauty bats her eye at you and you're as lost as I am.'

That had sounded a lot more insulting in his head. Sanji smiled broadly around his cigarette.

'You bet! I'm love's slave, marimo-kun.'

'You don't have to be proud of it,' Zoro muttered.

Sanji threw his arms up in the air and spun down the street.

'Robin-chan, Nami-swaaan, hang on! We're coming to find yooouuuu!'

o

Going to Sweetwater's turned up nothing. In fact, the shopkeeper treated him worse than that woman. Apparently an outsider having this rum really was a huge offence to them.

Up to Sanji then.

Zoro had bigger problems anyway. Like figuring out where he was.

At least he'd gotten lost in a nice place. A large well-kept park with lush trees and shrubs, and wildflowers lining winding sandy paths. He picked one and started following it towards the sun. Eventually it'd have to lead him out of the park.

Zoro passed lots of families with their children. Nice day for it. The weather was great. Yet not everyone was happy. Like that woman standing under a tree a couple of yards away. She looked nervous and glanced about her as if she was looking for something - or someone.

Ah well. Not his problem. If she needed help with something, she was capable of asking.

'Hey!' she called out. Zoro looked over at her. She'd caught sight of him and waved. 'You there, can you help me?'

Of course she didn't have to ask _him_.

Zoro stopped. She walked over to him rather quickly, hands fidgeting with her purse. She was very pretty. Reminded him of Vivi, except for the darker skin. A light brown colour that set off against long, wavy magenta hair tumbling down her back. She wore a faded pink dress and high heel boots laced up to the knee.

That idiot cook would be dancing around her right away. Good thing he wasn't here.

'I'm sorry, but I'm lost. Can you help me find the way out?'

'Sure, but it may take a while.'

She blinked a couple of times. 'Ah...Ah. Ok. Th-thank you,' she stuttered. Zoro nodded and continued walking. She kept standing where she was, looking uncertain. 'You coming?' he asked.

'Yes, yes, I'm coming.'

She hurried to catch up to him. 'Thanks,' she said again. Zoro made an affirmative sound. They walked in silence, Zoro purposefully, the woman fidgeting with her hair, her dress, her purse...She still seemed quite nervous for some reason. He preferred uncomfortable silence to having his ears chatted off though.

'Look there,' she said after a while. 'There...I recognize that bench.'

She pointed at a low white wooden bench alongside a road forking off the one they were walking on. A small bird chirped on a branch hanging over it.

'I passed it on the way in. If we follow it we'll reach the east exit.'

She sounded quite sure of herself.

'All right.'

They left the path and turned right. The road went on for a while when a rocky arch loomed up. It looked like a natural formation, irregular in shape and quite long and broad.

'Ah...' The woman stopped when they were halfway through it. Zoro stopped a few feet further and turned around to her. He immediately wished he hadn't.

'Naretine's Arch, where the mayor's daughter confessed to the farmer's son.' The woman walked over to Zoro, putting one leg slowly before the other. 'I have a confession to make too.'

Zoro's throat suddenly went dry. 'We...we only just met...' he mumbled.

She laughed. 'No, silly. Not that kind of confession.'

'Huh?'

The woman touched Zoro's shoulder and her smile turned apologetic. '_Jō-dan Switch_!'

Zoro had learned to anticipate the most bizarre attacks, and his instincts told him one was coming. His hand dropped to Wadō as the world whited out.

He'd drawn his swords millions of times, he could find them instinctively, didn't need sight for them. His hand knew where to go, fingers rounding to grab the hilt. But Wadō wasn't there. None of his swords were. Zoro opened his eyes just as the light faded and looked down. He needed a couple of blinks for his vision to clear, but even before he could see he knew that aside from his swords being gone, there was something else horribly wrong.

His eyes went saucer-sized when he saw the fingers he was moving. They weren't his. They were smaller and slender, just like the hip they touched. The hip curving under a pink dress. Long legs in high heel boots. No haramaki, no swords.

Breasts.

Zoro's thoughts came to a screeching halt. Everything came to a screeching halt. His body...wasn't his own anymore. It was the woman's! Zoro's eyes snapped up to where she stood. He stared, mind blank with shock, at himself a few feet away, standing there like a girl, hands resting on his hips and wearing a smile that wasn't his.

'Surprise! I'm a devil-fruit user.'

Switch...Body...switch...

'There you are! You got lost again, didn't you?'

Zoro looked up, dazed, at Sanji running towards them from the other side of the arch. He was headed in Zoro's direction - or who he believed to be Zoro - but when he caught sight of the actual Zoro in the woman's body, he almost stumbled and came to a clumsy halt.

'Who is this beautiful lady!' he crowed, knitting his fingers together next to his face.

'Don't know. She was asking me for directions.'

Sanji burst out laughing. 'Asking _you_ for directions?'

He must have started looking for Zoro and true to form, picked both the best and the worst moment to find him. Zoro stared at the confused look the woman gave Sanji. She caught on quick though, giving Sanji a smile that didn't belong on Zoro's face.

'Hey, why don't you help her out?'

'My pleasure!' Sanji beamed, twirling towards Zoro and completely forgetting the woman who turned and ran off with his body.

She was getting away! With his body, his swords...his pride!

Zoro snapped out of it. 'Stop her!' he yelled. Hearing himself speak with such a high and clear voice was just beyond weird.

Sanji's twirl came to halt, his smile a little unsure. 'Her?'

'Stop her! Stop her, dammit!' Zoro swore, running past the idiot cook. He'd forgotten about the heels though.

He got a few meters in when something snapped under his left foot and he lost his balance, flying forward. He was going down. Oh yeah. Sanji was behind him, no way he could react fast enough to catch him. Zoro would rather break his nose on the ground than be caught by him anyway.

Instead he broke it on Sanji's collarbone - at least it felt like he did. Somehow Sanji had managed to get in front of him to catch him. He should have known Sanji'd do the impossible just for the chance of copping a feel. Because this was Zoro though, he got a little extra pain, free of charge. Zoro's forehead banged into his face and they toppled back, Zoro landing bodily on top of him.

He touched his nose. He had a nosebleed.

'Shit!'

Sanji's hands, disgustingly gentle, moved to help him up but Zoro batted them away and crawled off him. He started to untie the boots, but it took too long so he began ripping the laces out with his teeth.

'I...I can help you with those,' Sanji offered, hovering somewhere between mellorine and fear.

'Get that boot off me!' Zoro barked.

'Right away!'

Sanji knelt down in front of Zoro and started on the boot. The shoelace simply seemed to fly off.

'That part of the ero-ero package, pervert cook? Undress a woman in under ten seconds?'

Sanji's hands jerked away from the boot as if it was on fire. He stared at Zoro with huge dumbstruck eyes. Zoro didn't have time to enjoy it though. He yanked off the boots and threw them away, jumping to his feet and running like hell.

'Hey! Wait!' Sanji yelled behind him. 'What are you running behind him for? I'll help you!'

Dammit, this woman wasn't in shape, unlike Zoro. By the time he'd cleared the arch, she was already rounding a bend in the path. It was hopeless, he had no chance of catching her. _He_ hadn't. But Sanji had. That cook could run anyone down with those long legs of his - even Zoro.

Zoro stopped, not needing to pretend to catch his breath. He could try to tell Sanji right now what was going on, but that'd just be a waste of breath, the idiot was in full adoration mode and Zoro didn't have time to figure out how to snap him out of it - if it could be done at all. Threaten him, insult him, beat him up, maim him, and he'd just come back for more, all lovey-eyed. Short of killing him, there was no way to stop the perversion. What he had to do was use it.

'That...That man was mean to me,' he said, loathing the sound of his own voice.

'What?' Sanji yelled.

'I asked him for directions and he was so short with me.'

Sanji clenched his fist, eyes blazing. 'That bastard! I'll kick his ass!'

'No, you don't have to do that,' Zoro said hurriedly, though if he couldn't beat his body up to get the woman to switch them back, Sanji'd have to. 'But I think he should apologize to me. Don't you?'

Zoro had never tried to look seductive at anyone before, but he must not be so bad at it because Sanji agreed with a vigorous nod.

'But I can't catch up to him. Look how fast he is. If only I had a knight to carry me there...'

Zoro nearly gagged. Woman or not, he was going to beat her to a pulp for putting him through this.

'It's me!' Sanji gushed and swept him off his feet. Zoro squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't want to look at Sanji. He didn't want to think about how this looked.

It took Sanji about three minutes to catch up to the woman. She must have realized the strength of Zoro's body just as he'd cursed her weakness, and she was putting it to good use. What was she running from though? Why had she done this? Who cared? Beat up first, ask questions later.

'Hey, you bastard!' Sanji yelled and jumped. Zoro opened his eyes and looked down over Sanji's shoulder. He saw the outline of Sanji's black shoe and behind it his own terrified face.

'What's with him?' Sanji muttered, right before he hit the woman square in the face. Zoro's body flew down the road and crashed into a bush.

Sanji put Zoro down gently and walked over to the woman. 'Apologize to the lady, bastard, or I'll kick your ass.'

If Sanji knew he'd just kicked a lady in the face, he'd be horrified. Zoro saw his head pop out of the foliage, hand clutching a bleeding nose. The sight was too bizarre.

'Oi, I'm talking to you. What's the matter with you?'

The woman started when she looked past Sanji and saw the murderous look on her own face. Zoro stomped towards her. 'Put your hand on my shoulder,' he said with a deadly flatness. Sanji half turned to look at him. Well wasn't this a pretty picture. Now all three of them had bloody noses.

Though he didn't ask, Sanji was understandibly surprised at the strange request, not to mention the sudden change in tone. Zoro thought quickly. 'It's how we apologize here on the island.'

'Ah, I see,' Sanji smiled, buying it completely. Prince of idiots!

Sanji turned back to the woman. 'You heard the lady, do it.'

A headshake. Despite the fact she was obviously trembling in, well, Zoro's boots, the woman showed some guts. 'No. Why should I? I haven't done anything wrong.'

'You were rude to her.'

'I was not.'

'Were too.'

'Was not.'

'Were too.'

'Was not.'

'Were t-'

'Give me my body back, woman!' Zor snarled furiously.

Sanji's eyebrows disappeared into his hairline. 'What are you talking about, onee-san?' he asked.

'I'm not your onee-san and that is not me!'

'Of course it's not you,' Sanji said adoringly. 'It's just ugly marimo-head.'

Zoro launched himself at the woman. 'Give it back!'

'Stop it!' Sanji's arm snaked around Zoro's waist and pulled him back just short of her. 'You'll hurt yourself!'

'Let go of me, pervert brow!'

Sanji did, shocked into immobility. He stared at Zoro as if he'd just sprouted horns and a tail. 'Wha-'

'I'm Zoro! I'm in her body, and she's in mine!'

'_What_?'

'She's a devil-fruit user! She switched our bodies!' Zoro threw himself at the woman again, only to be pulled back again. 'Let go of me!' he yelled, struggling fiercely. It didn't help, Sanji held on effortlessly, and somehow managed to adjust his grip to Zoro's movements so he wouldn't hurt him.

'Calm down!' Sanji yelped helplessly. He'd probably never been in a situation with a woman like this before.

'Let go of me!' Zoro yelled, but it sounded high and not at all menacing. 'She has to switch us back!'

'Zoro, what is going on with her?' Sanji demanded, trying to look past Zoro at the woman.

'I don't know!' The woman giggled. 'She's so funny!'

That was a mistake. Zoro, to this day, had never giggled. It sounded as unbelievable to his ears as it did to Sanji's. He froze. So did the woman, realizing her mistake. Time to act! Zoro banged his head back into Sanji's - no time to wait for him to let go - then with a leap forward, kneed his own body in the groin.

The woman collapsed on her knees, howling in pain. That'd teach her to switch bodies with a man! Zoro whirled round, forehead throbbing. He grabbed Sanji by the vest.

'You listen to me. Since I've joined this crew I've been sliced open, shot, stabbed, punched, blown up, set on fire, gored, drilled, nearly drowned, catapulted, electrocuted, crucified, turned into a wax statue, eaten alive, spit out again... and that's fine! It's all in a day's work. What is _not_ fine is turning into a _woman_ and being groped by the likes of you, you perverted love love machine demon idiot chain-smoking dartboard-brow I-think-I'm-god-'s-gift-to-women-lech of a _cook_!'

Somewhere there was a hysterical woman screaming all of this and shaking Sanji back and forth as a sort of punctuation of each grief.

Perhaps for the first time in his life, Sanji was no longer enjoying being manhandled by a woman.

He stared at Zoro with a look of utter disbelief. 'Damn...It is you.'

Really? It didn't feel like Zoro anymore. Holy crap! What the hell was this woman doing to him? And not just him. Sanji's horrified stare had moved to Zoro's hunched body, his mind blowing fuses at the sight of a lady grabbing a very unlady-like area in a very unlady-like way. Zoro had to hurry up and threaten her while Sanji was still insensible, he wouldn't get away with it otherwise.

'Switch us back!'

'No,' came the muffled reply.

'Woman!' Zoro bared his teeth. 'Switch my body back or I'll-'

The woman looked up, tears of pain in her eyes.

'Or you'll what? Beat me up? You've already done that.'

Zoro stared, appalled, at the pained look on his own face, accompanied by batting eyelashes. Batting. Eyelashes.

'Don't hurt her!' Sanji cried.

'You stay out of this!'

'Look at her, she's in pain! It might be your body but it's still her inside!' Sanji looked like saying those words made him physically ill. He wasn't the only one. 'You can't hurt a lady!'

'I'll hurt you, bastard!' Zoro snapped.

'There she is!'

'Get her!'

The cries came from behind them. Zoro turned. Five men, all armed, were running towards them. Pirates, from the looks of it.

'I can't fight like this,' Zoro snarled, grabbing the woman by the shirt. Whether he was in his own body or not, he was still Zoro, the man who could instill terror in his enemies by the look he gave them alone. 'You switch us back, right now.'

'Don't worry, my dear lady,' Sanji said. 'We won't let you get hurt.'

She hesisted for a few seconds more, then succumbed to Zoro's glare.

The world whited out.

Zoro was back in his body. Ignoring the throbbing pain, he swivelled round. He put Wadō in his mouth, drew Kitetsu and Shūsui and charged towards the men alongside Sanji. Whoever these bastards were, they were going to regret showing up when they had.

* * *

tbc...Yes, there's more! They haven't even found a trace of the crew yet! And who's the mysterious devil-fruit-user?


	7. Tricks

Disclaimer : It all belongs to Eiichirō Oda. Except my sanity. That's mine.  
A/N : Yes, I'm still alive Sorry for the huge delay! It's a shorter chapter, because the full version would have taken even longer to post and I've delayed long enough already. Well, in case you haven't already guessed, I'm playing One Piece up for laughs. Even more than OP does itself. And if it confuses you, don't worry. It's supposed to :)  
Rating : K

o

Once Upon a Time, there was a Swordsman named Zoro

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Tricks

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Zoro's mouth drew back in a feral snarl. Wide, fierce eyes darted around. More... He needed more! Those weaklings at his feet didn't even serve as a warm up!

There! It was almost dead anyway. He'd be doing it a favor.

Zoro sprinted past Sanji and the woman, not daring to look their way. If he did, he'd hurt her.

He jumped the last few meters, launching himself on his target with a low growl. Flashing blades, moving faster and faster in a frenzied attack until he saw only streaks of steel.

Take, take, take it out on the thing! Yelling, carving every bit of rage and humiliation into dead matter.

Bits and pieces flew past his ears. Zoro was glad this thing was huge. Even at the frenzied speed he was attacking, it took him minutes to take it down, but he needed that time to calm down. That's to say, calm down enough not to kill.

The woman didn't need to know that though. Let her think he was going to rough her up and-

People had stopped to stare. An old man with a walking stick gaped at him. A few families with children. Two middle-aged women.

Zoro's ears picked up and tracked a whimper. A kid, clutching at his mother's skirt, looking at Zoro with big eyes. He looked on the verge of bursting into tears. Zoro took Wadō out of his mouth and sheathed his swords.

'It's...it's all right,' Zoro mumbled awkwardly. 'I'm with the park...people. It was dead. We needed to take it down.'

The mother didn't wait to see if even a kid was gullible enough to buy that excuse. She put an arm around her son and guided him away. Zoro, for that matter, didn't stick around to see if anyone bought it either. This would probably be a good time to worry about what impression he was making here, if he cared for such things.

Sanji and the woman were still where he'd left them. They had the same weirded out look on their faces as the other spectators of Zoro's little episode.

'You killed them,' the woman said with a horrified voice. 'You killed the tree.' She looked up at him with large, accusing eyes. 'What kind of man are you?'

'The kind who just got turned into a woman!' Zoro snarled, remembering just in time to keep his voice down. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. She had the nerve of calling him on his behavior after what she'd just done? 'And what do you care about them? Weren't they after you? What's going on here?'

He stepped closer to her while firing questions. She cowered and ducked behind Sanji.

'Hey, calm down,' Sanji began. 'I know you're upset,' 'I'd be too-'

'No, you'd be touching yourself.'

Sanji gaped stupidly at him. He'd been doing a lot of that lately. 'Hey! That's no way to talk in front of a lady!'

The lady in question was clutching Sanji's sleeves. That's when Zoro noticed. It wasn't having any effect. Sanji was...reacting like a normal man. If a pretty woman clung to him like that, he should have been delirious by now. Instead he just stood there, still looking pale and rattled.

Ah, but the woman was good all right, using just that moment when she thought Sanji was too preoccupied to react in time. Zoro grabbed the hands moving almost unnoticably up Sanji's arms and pulled her wrists clear.

'Don't even try it,' he warned. She was very good. Holding her by the wrists like that to keep her from switching with Sanji, Zoro'd effectly pinned him between them, which was exactly what she'd wanted. She didn't have the strength to move Zoro even an inch, but now there was a idiot between them who did and she'd fast figured out she could play him like a fiddle.

'You're hurting me,' she cried out, burying her face in Sanji's back with a choked sob. Zoro winced when he saw the look on Sanji's face change.

'Hey, let go of her!' The chivalrous pervert was back. Great. This was-

Zoro saw her hands tense. She was going to make a move, but what...Oh no. Zoro realised belatedly that she had them lined up for the ultimate payback kick. He had no choice but to let go of one hand and pivot aside. Surprisingly, Sanji was too late to dodge it. Zoro winced in sympathetic pain when he heard him cry out. The cook crumpled to the ground.

At least Zoro could be sure she hadn't switched with Sanji, because then she'd take the pain of another groin kick and nobody would be crazy enough to take it twice.

Zoro drew Kitetsu and aimed the tip at the woman's throat. Normally he wouldn't even consider using a sword on such a weak opponent, but he had to keep this devil fruit user at arm's length. Literally. He couldn't risk her touching them again.

'Don't move,' he ordered. Zoro risked a quick look at Sanji because the cook had slumped to the ground, out cold. That made no sense. The pain was excrutiating, granted, but it shouldn't have been near enough to make him pass out. This wasn't like Sanji at all. He should've have been able to avoid that kick in the first place, in fact. Unless...

Zoro stiffened, looked slowly at the woman. _'_No way...Sanji?'

She'd switched bodies while kicking them! She really was crazy!

'This is...this is...oh...this is too weird!' Sanji's stunned gaze lowered to his own unconscious face. He stared at it, eyes wide and unblinking. Zoro frowned.

'Hey, cook...'

'Damn, I'm good-looking.'

Why the hell was he even worried about such a idiot! Zoro let go of Sanji, kneeled next to the cook's body and grabbed a handful of his vest. 'Wake up! Oi! Wake up!' He slapped across Sanji's face.

'Hey! That's my face,' Sanji protested. Zoro ignored him. As if Sanji could do anything to stop him with that weak body. 'Stop it! You're hurting her, you bastard!'

A weight landed on Zoro's back. Zoro squeezes his eyes shut and swore. Was there just no end to this nightmare? Sanji was on top of him, trying to pull his arms away.

Zoro twisted round and shoved Sanji off him. He fell flat on his behind. Zoro went beet red and looked away quickly before the bastard could see it. 'Don't sit there like that!'

He returned to the slapping with the desperation of a man pushed to his limits. 'You wake up, do you hear me, woman?'

'Uh, Zoro. There's people watching.'

Zoro, in mid-slap, looked up. He'd drawn a crowd again. About half a dozen people who'd stopped to stare. The two middle-aged women were there again. Zoro glared at them. They started, put their hands in front of their mouths and hurried off.

'Well, if they didn't think you were insane after the lumberjack act-'

'Shut up! And why aren't you freaking out more?'

'Freak out?' Sanji repeated. 'Are you kidding me? This is...This is...' He looked down at the woman's breasts. Time seemed to slow down as Zoro saw hands move up.

'Don't even think about it!' Zoro yelled. He let go of Sanji's body, jumped up and pulled those lecherous hands clear. 'That idiot,' he growled. 'Switching bodies with you of all people.'

'What the hell is that supposed to mean? Hey, let go!' Sanji tried to break free, to no avail. A slow, smug smile crept up on Zoro's face. 'Let the hell go! Dammit!'

The angrier Sanji got, the bigger Zoro's smile got - until he again found it imprinted on his face when a foot struck him square in the jaw. He shouldn't have lowered his guard. The woman's body might be weak, but still flexible enough for a Sanji kick. Fortunately it wasn't Sanji's actual foot, because Zoro could tell the cook hadn't held back. Otherwise Zoro'd be lying right back at the dead tree he'd just turned to firewood. As it stood, the kick wasn't strong enough to make him let go, but his teeth were clattering.

'What are you doing, marimo?' Sanji demanded hotly. What was he doing though? He hadn't let go yet because...this was payback for before, he realized, when Sanji had held him back and there hadn't been a thing he could do about it. He wanted the cook to taste that humilation.

Sanji suddenly stopped struggling. 'She's gone.'

Zoro's head snapped round. The woman was nowhere to be seen.

'Damn it!'

This was bad - very bad. She had Sanji's body now, which was faster than Zoro's, and she most likely had the advantage of knowing her way around here, unlike them. She'd know where to hide, whereas they wouldn't know where to start looking.

Zoro turned on Sanji. 'This is your fault!'

'My fault?' Sanji glared at him. Darn it. She was one of those women who were pretty when they got angry.

'If you hadn't been feeling yourself up, I wouldn't have had to stop you,' Zoro elaborated, feeling some of his anger dissolve. 'She wouldn't have gotten away.'

'I think you got that backwards!' Sanji shot back, eyes flashing. Zoro was rather distracted, all of a sudden. Up close, he saw the woman's eyes had a strange color. Reminded him of something. Yes...The murky green surface of a pool, deep in a forest. Reflecting dark leaves of large trees surrounding it. He'd been injured then-

'What are you staring at, blockhead!' Sanji yelled, dispelling the moment.

'Huh?' Zoro replied dumbly.

'It's your fault! If all you wanted to do was stop me, then you should've just let go. Get your fix elsewhere!'

Women - or perverted cooks using their bodies - really, really shouldn't do roundhouse kicks in a short dress. Men shouldn't watch either, because that got them kicked in the temple.

'Whoa,' Sanji said appreciatively. 'Flexible.'

Zoro's face was buried in the grass.

'Don't even pretend that hurt,' Sanji snorted derisively. No, it hadn't. But his face was red again and that Sanji was not allowed to see.

'All right, you bastard, start talking.'

Zoro lifted his face off the ground enough to look sideways. He stared as a slender, elegant foot entered his field of vision and struck one of the woman's assailants in the stomach. That woke the guy up. He doubled over and winced. Sanji knelt down next to him, grabbed his shirt and pulled him up.

'Who's the lady you attacked?'

The man looked baffled at the lady he'd just attacked. He snickered when he realized. 'She switched bodies with you, didn't you? You're that blond guy?'

'Who is she?' Sanji demanded.

The man's smile hardened. 'Someone you're gonna wish you'd never met.'

Zoro shot forward as the man swung a fist at Sanji's face. Sanji tried to block it, but the body he was in didn't have his ingrained reflexes. His arm came up too slow. The man got his punch in, connecting with enough force to knock Sanji sideways.

The bastard was fast. Another punch was already flying towards Sanji's face, but before it could connect Zoro's fist slammed into his jaw with enough force to crack the bone.

Sanji got up, gingerly touching his left cheekbone. 'He can't talk with a broken jaw you know.'

Zoro ignored the reprimand. His eyes narrowed at the mark the punch had left. That'd become a black eye. Sanji noticed he was looking and averted his face. Knowing him, he probably felt awful he'd gotten the woman's body hurt.

'Let me handle the next one- Oi, cook, knock it off!'

Sanji'd already moved on to the next guy. Zoro reached out to stop him before the fool took another hit.

His hand fell short. He could just pull Sanji away, couldn't he? With ease - Sanji's pride be damned. Instead he just watched as Sanji woke the second thug up and threatened him.

Sanji straddled the man, face right above a scrawny, scarred mug that went from fearful, to horrified, to completely blank with terror while Sanji whispered in his ear what were definitely _not_ sweet nothings.

He muttered something only Sanji could hear. Sanji asked him something and he shook his head.

'Thank you.,' Sanji said pleasantly. The man had just enough time to smile nervously before a well-aimed kick knocked him out again.

'What the hell did you say to him?' Zoro asked as Sanji got up.

'Nothing in particular.'

Zoro shook his head. He didn't want to know. 'What'd you find out?'

'I'll tell you on the way.'

'All right.' Zoro turned his back to Sanji and held out his arms. 'Jump on.'

'Wait-'

'She's got no stamina,' Zoro interrupted. 'You'll never be able to keep up.'

'That's not it.'

'Then what is it?' Zoro demanded impatiently. 'She's getting away with your body!'

'I have to...'

'You have to what?'

Sanji looked away. 'You know,' he muttered.

'No I don't know!'

'Take a leak!' Sanji squeezed his eyes shut. Zoro blanched and swallowed hard. Pee, while he was...He sure was glad he wasn't in the man's shoes. Though right now, Sanji wasn't in his own shoes either. For such a pervert, he sure acted shy when push came to shove.

Zoro glanced around. For a guy, the nearest tree would do, but for a woman... 'Over there.' Zoro pointed to some high shrubs with orange flowers. 'Hurry up!'

Sanji ran over to them like a man. Zoro groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. This really was not his week.

When the cook emerged from the shrubs again, he found Zoro standing at the edge of them. Sanji looked surprised, then smiled. How the hell it was possible Zoro didn't know because it wasn't his face, but it was his crooked grin. All that was missing was a cigarette. Though that really wouldn't look good on her.

'Did you stand guard, marimo-kun? How consider-'

'Get on my back!' Zoro barked. The reason he'd gone over there was so that they wouldn't draw even more attention with the woman-walking-like-a-man thing, but of course Sanji had to be an annoying bastard twenty-four seven and turn everything into a thing.

'Did he tell you where to find her?' Zoro asked as Sanji climbed on his back. Zoro focused on directing all his senses and thoughts to finding the lewd bastard's body. He was not thinking at all about the body on his back.

'No.'

Zoro started running. 'Then how do we find her?'

'Easy. We ask around for a devastatingly handsome man-'

'Running around town like a woman.'

Sanji smacked him on the head. 'I'm gonna kill you, you bastard!'

'Yeah, yeah.'

o

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o

tbc


	8. Old Hallow's Eve

Disclaimer : It all belongs to Eiichirō Oda. Except my sanity. That's mine.  
A/N : A spot of horror for Halloween :) (updated to correct typo's - I was groggy when I uploaded this...)  
Rating : K

o

Once Upon a Time, there was a Swordsman named Zoro

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**Old Hallow's Eve**

o

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Quit grabbing my ass!'

'Stop breathing down my neck!'

'Pervert!'

'I do _not_ want to hear that from you!'

'She said left! Left, dumbass!'

'I heard you the first time!

Zoro abruptly changed course to dive into the small alleyway to the left. Washing lines were suspended high in the air and the ground was littered with old garbage. A few wanted posters were stuck to the wall on the right.

'Look out!' Sanji suddenly yelled. Zoro shot a look to the left and saw a burly man with an apron tossing the contents of a bucket out a back door.

He ducked.

'Oh, I'm so sorry, miss!' the man said from the door. 'I didn't see you there.'

Zoro, still standing in a half-crouch, didn't dare lift his head or move. Smelly water dripped on his shoulders and the back of his neck.

'So sorry, so sorry. I'll get you a towel.'

Zoro swallowed thickly as Sanji leaned closer to his face.

'Not low enough.'

He hadn't thought a woman's voice was capable of such a low, menacing register, but apparently having a man controlling it did strange things.

'Sorry...'

'Get going,' Sanji ground out.

The bucket-thrower came out a mere minute later, to find the alley empty again. He sighed and scratched the back of his head. He started to turn back when his eye caught the old wanted posters on the opposite wall. Was that a reindeer? Fifty beli. He shook his head and went back inside. He was better off serving one for dinner for that price.

* . * . *

The last villager to give them instructions had seen the 'dashing, handsome young man in a suit' run out of the southmost of the village gates, but warned them he could have gone either way at a crossroads not much further. One road led to an apple orchard, the other to a hill overlooking the village.

Zoro had voted for the orchard, so they'd gone up the hill.

He put Sanji down when they reached the top of the hill and quickly stepped back. It took a conscious effort not to take another step back. When he'd first met her, the woman had been so elegant. Her posture, hair, the purse, the dress, the boots...

She'd have looked so pretty now, against the backdrop of a bright pink and purple evening sky.

What stood in front of him now looked nothing like her anymore though. Sans purse and boots, wearing a dress that had gotten a bucket of dirty dish water emptied on it. Shoulders hunched and trembling with rage, fists clenched and feral eyes glaring at him from behind mussed hair hanging in half-dried strings in front of her face.

Sanji grabbed the neck of his shirt and pulled him close.

'Calm down- Ouch!' A dull thud resounded across the hill top. Zoro squinted sideways, his head smarting.

A man had come up from the other side of the hill. He slung the shovel he'd just hit Zoro over the head with over his shoulder. There was dirt sticking to it.

'Don't be doing that around here,' he said. He walked up to them and Zoro found himself having to look up to meet his eyes. The guy was almost as tall as Brook, well built, strong, handsome face sporting a stubble. He wore black bell bottom trousers, a long maroon coat lined with gold and a moss green glazed canvas hat on top of a head of long, dirty blond hair.

'What are you talking about?' Sanji asked.

'Making out in a graveyard...Guess it takes all kinds.'

'What graveyard?' Zoro demanded, as there wasn't a tombstone in sight.

'You're worrying about the wrong thing!' Sanji snapped. 'We are not making out!'

'It's on the other side of the hill.'

That spade... Was this guy the graveyard keeper then? Or had he come here to bury someone?

'Hey, did you hear me!' Sanji yelled, fist shaking. 'We are _not_ making out!'

Cutting off his conversation with Zoro to bring his full attention to a woman, that felt familiar, like something Sanji would do. 'All right, all right. No need to get so worked up. You're not together then?'

'Of course not!' Sanji managed to spit out between gagging noises.

'Good, because I was about to set him straight for not taking care of you properly.'

'Ha?' Zoro gawked. The man pushed the brim of his hat up with a finger. He took Sanji's hand in his own. If he was going to try to plant a kiss on it, he'd be kissing his teeth goodbye instead.

'My name is Tom Bonney. What's yours?'

'Hitting on people in a graveyard is just as bad as making out!' Zoro barked. Bonney ignored him completely and leaned in closer to Sanji.

'You look like you've had a rough time of it. Why don't you come inside my house and clean yourself up?' He had a deep, melodious voice every bit as smooth-talking as the cook's. 'You can use my shower if you like.'

'Will...you...cut it out!' A foot soared up. 'You go take a cold shower!'

The canvas hat flew up in the air and disappeared amidst the leaves of a lone, short tree standing on the hill top.

Sanji's shoulders were shaking. Bonney massaged his jaw. 'That's quite a kick you have there, my lady.'

Sanji bared his teeth. 'I'm not a l-'

'Have you seen a young blond guy in a suit?' Zoro asked quickly.

Bonney walked over to the tree and reached up into the foliage to retrieve his hat. He plucked off a few leaves.

'Yes, I've seen him.'

Well that was a relief. They'd made the right choice at the crossroads.

'Do you know where he is?' Sanji asked.

Bonney nodded and made a sweeping gesture before Sanji. 'After you, my lady.'

'Like hell.'

Bonney raised his eyebrows in surprise, then smiled. 'You're quite spunky. It becomes you.'

Sanji looked on the verge of throwing up. And throttling him. They followed Bonney down the hill. There was a cemetary all right, but it didn't look like anyone had been buried here for a long time. The tombstones were all old and weathered, broken and jutting out of the ground, covered with weeds and mosses.

'Calm down,' Zoro said when he noticed the grass beneath Sanji's feet smouldering.

'Don't tell me to calm down, you shitty bastard. You're enjoying this, aren't you? You- What are you looking at?'

'You...uh...' Zoro pointed to Sanji's head. 'You've got something in your hair.'

'Who cares!'

Well if he looked in a mirror right now, he'd care. If he were, in fact, a woman.

Man, he seriously needed to just erase the visual of a woman and picture Sanji before he started treating him like an actual woman. Annoying pervert-cook. Annoying pervert-cook. Annoying pervert-co...'

They'd stopped a few meters down the hill.

'Here he is.'

Zoro looked down. Sanji's body lay at his feet in a newly dug grave. He was sprawled on his side, eyes closed.

'Was he someone close to you?' Bonney asked.

Sanji gulped. 'I'm not dead!'

'Of course you're not, what- My lady!'

Sanji jumped into the grave on top of his own body. He turned it over on its back. Zoro licked his lips, shifting his weight slightly. There was no way the woman had gotten herself killed, but to see Sanji's body lying like there like that...He couldn't blame the cook for freaking out. He'd do the same.

'Can you hear me? Wake up. Come on.'

'Please stop that. ' Bonney's voice held just the right compassionate and sad tone you'd use when you saw someone acting crazy with grief. 'You'll only hurt yourself.'

Well if Sanji resorted to slapping again, he literally would. But the cook wouldn't do that.

'Zoro, help me.' Sanji pulled his body up.

'Hey, what are you doing?' Bonney asked. 'He's gone. You should leave the dead in peace.'

'He's not dead, just unconscious.' Zoro knelt at the edge of the grave. 'Must have fallen in coming down the hill,' he said as Sanji lifted his body up as high as he could. The grave was pretty deep though, Zoro was barely able to grab the collar of Sanji's vest. Sanji shifted his grip to the legs. That was when the woman woke up.

'Are you all right?' Sanji beamed a comforting smile at her. She was of course not all right, coming around while her own possessed body was hoisting her out of a grave. She screamed and kicked her legs. Sanji's legs, with memories of kicking and training ingrained in muscle and bone.

She knocked him clean out.

_'_Sanji! Damn it!' Zoro jumped forward into the grave. He piled on top of the woman, pinning down arms.

'Switch back, right now!' he hissed against blond strands.

'Hey, what's going on down there?' Bonney demanded. Zoro ignored him.

'I will...If you promise to help me.'

The woman was clearly afraid, but like before, she didn't back down. Much like Usopp. Weak in body, but ultimately not in heart. Not that that was going to mellow him. He didn't take kindly to being used, or to his nakama being used.

'Ask him. He'll help any woman, no matter what she does to him. I won't,' Zoro snarled. She was on the verge of crying, using Sanji's face. It was more than he could stand.

'Switch back!' Zoro exploded, pressing Sanji's hand on the woman's shoulder.

'_Jō-dan Switch!'_

Sanji's body collapsed on the woman. She opened her eyes and immediately winced. Her face had to hurt like hell, but she had only herself to blame for that one.

'What an interesting ability you have, my lady. Perhaps it is fate that one who has eaten the fruit of the devil shall become my bride.'

Darkness fell across the grave. Zoro got up and twisted round, hand dropping to his swords. Black clouds sped up the hill from all sides and gathered around Bonney. Hundreds of eyes opened, the fiercest of them amber at the edge of the grave. They looked straight at Zoro. He couldn't move.

'As a reward for bringing her to me, I shall bestow a great honour upon you,' Bonney said. 'You shall be my honoured guests.' He took off his hat and smiled. A pointy toothy smile. 'In the demon parade.'

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dum dum DUM...whatever will become of our dapper heroes?


	9. The Cursed

Disclaimer : It all belongs to Eiichirō Oda. Except my sanity. That's mine.  
A/N : Again, expect updates for typoes...I cannot believe the mistakes my brain just glosses over. Booh!  
Rating : K

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**Once Upon a Time, there was a Swordsman named Zoro**

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**The Cursed**

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He really had to stop waking up on top of Sanji. Last time had been in the zombie mansion, now it was a grave in the dead of night. Such was his life this was actually a step up. He sensed no enemies around and he still had all three of his swords. Whatever Bonney had done to him had worn off. He could move his limbs, albeit stiffly.

It was storming. He remembered now, a thunder crack had woken him up. Zoro lifted his head. Grave dirt stuck to his forehead.

'Cook…' He fisted the dirt off and kicked Sanji's leg below the knee. 'Oi. Curly brow. Wake up.'

Zoro squinted, trying to get a look at Sanji's face. When Sanji and the woman had switched back bodies earlier, the woman had stayed conscious despite returning to her unconscious body. Maybe Sanji hadn't woken up yet for the same reason, because he'd been out cold during the switch. He'd taken quite a hit, in her body.

Just thinking about it made his head hurt. Like he had time to dwell on the finer delicacies of body switching! No need to either. All that mattered was that everyone was back in their own bodies. Now they could get back to what they came here to do, which was finding the crew. Sanji might have learned something, but what with the invasion of the bodyswitcher and all, Zoro hadn't gotten round to asking yet and now the idiot was out cold.

Zoro got up, looping an arm around Sanji and pulling him to his feet with him. He unsheathed Wadō. A lightning bolt struck, followed by earsplitting thunder not long later. The storm was close, but hadn't reached its peak yet.

'Ittoryū. Sanjūroku Pōndō Hō!'

They emerged in a whirlwind and landed a few meters away. That's why he'd developed his swordfighting styles. To airlift out of graves. Zoro sheathed Wadō, both arms now free to carry Sanji on his back. He set back down the hill.

Bride...Bonney had said something about them bringing him his bride. But they hadn't brought her to him at all. She was the one who'd ran off with Sanji's body. She was the idiot who hadn't watched where she was going and fallen down a grave in the first place and drawn Bonney's attention. It wasn't their fault. There was no reason to go after her at all. All she'd done was mess around with them, so why should they help her? The reason she'd been on the run in the first place was probably because she'd gotten herself in trouble with that power of hers. Picked the wrong person to switch with.

She sure had today. It still made his skin crawl thinking about it. Having such a weak, out-of-shape body...He wouldn't be able to live like that. Powerless to fight, powerless to defend. Maybe she didn't need to be strong though. There were other strengths, like the power to bend people to your will. And by people, he meant the weight on his back that was at the mercy of every pretty woman he came across.

Zoro uttered a sound somewhere between a resigned sigh and an annoyed snort. They wouldn't be able to go after the crew just yet. Sanji'd want to save her first. Troublesome bastard. That meant they'd have to deal with Bonney. That wouldn't be easy, if his earlier experience was anything to go by. He still didn't understand what had happened. One look in those eyes had rooted him to the spot, unable to move a muscle. If Bonney had wanted to kill him, he'd have been mincemeat right then and there. Literally, if those pointy teeth were anything to go by.

The strongest swordsman in the world, taken out without a fight. There would have been no greater humilation. The fact that Bonney had been in a position to do so in the first place infuriated him. It wasn't the first time he could have been finished off so shamefully either. On Thrillerbark. Perona and her negativity ghosts. He'd have died a quivering wimp if Usopp hadn't been there.

Would those things have happened to Mihawk as well? No. That man's eyes were too strong to be overpowered by another's. His will was too strong. Or was it?...An image suddenly popped into Zoro's head of Mihawk on his knees apologizing for his existence, lit up by a flash of lightning as if the heavens themselves were striking at the heresy of the thought. Zoro pass under the village's entry arch with a tight chuckle.

The storm swept sheets of rain through empty streets. Everyone would be indoors of course, fast asleep or taking shelter from the storm. They'd probably still be let in at the inn though, except he had no idea how to get there. Well, might as well start walking. What he lacked in directional sense, his luck made up for. He always ended up where he was supposed to be, in the end.

The storm reached its full strength while he wandered through the village. All the while Sanji didn't wake. Truth be told, it had been one hell of a kick. Wherever the woman was now, she had to be in a lot of pain. Though technically speaking, she'd kicked herself in the head.

Zoro stopped, squinting against the rain stinging his eyes. Was that...Yes, that was the park from before, where he'd ended up after getting lost the first time. Zoro purposefully ignored the pile of firewood. Now which direction to go in? Left or ri-

The round blur came out of nowhere. It smacked into his nose and knocked his head back against Sanji's.

'What the hell!' Zoro looked round for what had hit him, but he couldn't see anything. Had someone thrown something from one of the houses?

'Shit.' Sanji groaned. 'O-oi, why the hell are you grabbing my ass again? You pervert, I told you-'

Zoro dropped him like a sack of wheat. He turned to see Sanji sitting flat on said ass.

'You're back in your own body, idiot.'

Sanji looked up at him, utterly startled for a moment, then surged white-eyed to his feet, butting a veiny forehead into Zoro's. 'Then why the hell is your nose bleeding?'

'Why the hell is yours!' Zoro yelled, digging his skull into Sanji's in turn. Sanji backed away with a start and reached for his nose.

'It has nothing to do with you' Zoro angrily wiped the blood from his nose.

'Well this has nothing to do with you either!' Sanji muffled behind his sleeve.

'Good!'

'Good!'

'If I had to carry you, it's because you took your sweet time waking up.'

Sanji tapped his King's pack until a cigarette came sliding out. 'The touch of a beautiful woman sends a man to heaven, marimo-kun. It's a long way back down.'

It really wasn't hard to imagine why Sanji couldn't score. And why he got beat up. Imagine being at the business end of those lines. No, actually, he didn't have to imagine, he- Zoro stiffened. Never happened! Never! Didn't hear thing, didn't see a thing, didn't _feel_ a thing!

Sanji caught Zoro's nauseated stare and grinned behind the blue spark of his lighter.

'Oh, give me a break,' a high-pitched voice wheezed. 'You guys should take this show on the road.'

The unlit cigarette fell to the ground. A raccoon stood a few meters away on its haunches. It wore a monocle, a tattered black hat with a huge drooping feather, gloves and a coat. It was soaking wet.

'I have been looking for you two all across town. Seen every gutter in this backwater hole thanks to you!' The raccoon wiped its monocle, for all the good that did with the rain pouring down. Zoro figured it was more a gesture made out of habit. 'I lost your scent with this blasted rain so I came here to the park to climb into the highest tree to see if I could spot you from there. And I did, when you were two streets away but then you wandered away from the park again! I saw you come close again a couple of times over the past the hour.' A claw pointed at Zoro. 'Your movements were completely erratic! Were you trying to throw someone off or do you have the worst sense of direction known to man?'

'The worst sen-'

'You shut up!' Zoro spat.

'Now we're late, also because of you.' The animal pulled out a watch on a chain. Raccoons could see in the dark, of course.

'Late for what?' Sanji asked.

'The parade. You've been invited, remember?'

Of course Sanji didn't remember, since he'd been kissing dirt by that time.

'The captain asked me to find you. Come on, hurry.'

'The captain?' Zoro repeated. 'Do you mean Bonney?'

'Who else! Hurry up!' The raccoon turned and ran down the street.

'What's going on?' Sanji asked.

'Just follow him.' Zoro set after the raccoon which had dropped on all fours to run, telling Sanji the only thing he needed to know to get going. 'He'll lead us to your beautiful woman.'

Yep, that did that trick.

'Where is she? What happened? I—'

'After she kicked you in the face and knocked you out...' That had to offend but Zoro just couldn't bring himself to care. He'd suffered a much greater blow to his pride and he was about to have it rubbed in by the worst person possible. '…Bonney took her, said something about her being his bride.'

'What?' Another timely thunderbolt. Sanji'd fit right in that parade at the moment, his face contorted with perverted fury. 'Like I'm going to let that happen!' He tossed Zoro an angry look. 'Why didn't you stop him?'

Ah, the joy of having to fill Sanji in on Bonney's power, with himself serving as the victim. Oddly, Sanji didn't start laughing when he heard what had happened. Zoro squinted suspiciously at him.

'Don't beat yourself up over it.' Sanji said placatingly. 'It's not your fault. Mindbending just...' An airy shrug. '…works better on idiots.'

'Then you got more to worry about than me!' Zoro exploded. And was that raccoon snickering?

'Sorry marimo, men can't rivet me to the spot, only a pretty lady can!'

Insufferable little- Still, Zoro thought grudgingly, this was better. Getting annoyed with Sanji beat the hell out of getting annoyed with himself. Bastard probably knew too. That's why he was egging Zoro on. Though neither of them would ever admit it to doing something like that for each other. No, no amount of torture.

'Listen to me. Listen!' Zoro snarled when Sanji didn't react. Pervert Mode, activated! Probably was imaging sweeping the bride away from under Bonney's nose in some grand last-minute rescue. The fact that it'd worked once before with Nami made it even more irritating. Well, sort of worked, until the giant zombie attack. 'He invited us as his guests, so if we play it smart, we can free her without fighting.'

'Like I'm gonna play guest at her wedding!' Sanji spat. 'And since when did you start avoiding fights?'

Zoro grit his teeth and snatched a handful of vest, pulling Sanji to a stop. 'I never run from a fight, you got that?' Zoro was in the cook's face, eyes hard and serious. 'But we have to find the crew! We've wasted enough time already. We get her, we get out, simple. Not gonna waste time fighting that guy and his lackeys if we don't have to, got it?

Sanji glared at him for a moment without saying anything. Then he knocked Zoro's wrist away roughly. Zoro let him, because he knew too. That chivalry thing of his - lecherous as it may be - was Sanji's pride. That's why Zoro was giving him leeway they couldn't actually afford.

The raccoon led them out the village. It actually didn't take long to get out of it, if you knew where you were going. They emerged from a narrow alley created by two small warehouses reeking of gutted fish and seawater. A high, raised wooden boardwalk led onto a long stretch of sandy beach. The raccoon jumped off the boardwalk to the sand below.

'Hey!' Sanji had to yell to be heard over the storm and the roaring surf. 'What's this parade?'

A look over the edge revealed the raccoon next to a rowing boat with a hanging lantern dangling wildly in the wind. An eerie green light shimmered in the glass casing. The animal took the rope attached to the front of the rowboat and slung it over its shoulder. 'What are you looking at?' it yelled when it caught them staring. 'Never seen a raccoon pull a rowboat before?'

No, but Zoro was overjoyed to add a freakishly strong talking critter to his must-have-seen list. After the blue-nosed one with the pink hat.

Since it didn't seem to need any help pulling the boat, they followed the raccoon to the shoreline.

'So what's this parade?' Sanji asked again, second cigarette lit. How the hell was he doing that in the rain? Waterproof ciggies?

'Here it comes now!' The raccoon pointed at the sea. 'Dredged, dredged from the deep!'

Zoro looked from the animal to the surf. His eyes slowly widened when he discerned something into the impregnable darkness beyond.

Dredged from the deep…No way!

Cigarette number two hit the ground. So did Zoro's jaw. There was something shining deep under the water. A green light, like the one in the lantern. It was faint at first but quickly grew brighter and larger.

Zoro's hand dropped to his sword. A glowing, green pool of light three times as big as the Thousand Sunny lit up the water.

A main mast broke the surface of the water. The top had been snapped off, the remains of a tattered sail were still attached. It pierced the darkness like a lance, sheathed in glowing green smoke. The deck of a massive ship parted the waves, its bulk heaving under the strain. Two more masts emerged, one intact, the other broken halfway.

The ship was just the first of many. One by one, a fleet of massive ships rose from ocean. The sound of old wood creaking grew louder and louder until it drowned out the surf. Countless glowing spots moved across the darkness of the decks. They reminded Zoro of the eyes he'd see on the hilltop.

When the last ship had surfaced, a gust of wind passed over the beach as if the sea was sighing with effort.

'Th-That's the parade?' Sanji yelled.

The raccoon cackled. 'Quiver in your boots, matey! One night a year, these feared, cursed pirates rise from the deep in an effort to break their...curse.' the animal finished awkwardly.

'What curse?'

The raccoon let go of the rope and jumped in the boat.

'The captain will tell you. He loves to tell everyone. Wouldn't want to rob him of that pleasure. Come on, get us in the water!'

Zoro and Sanji exchanged a look. Going anywhere near a fleet of ghost ships in a raging thunderstorm seemed like a Very Bad Idea, but they had no choice. That's where the damsel in distress was and come hell or high water, Sanji'd go after her.

Though in this case, hell seemed more likely. Zoro put his shoulder behind the boat and pushed into it to the sea. Sanji took the oars.

The ships were half an hour of rowing away from the shore. They'd have gotten there faster if the wind wasn't trying to blow them back to shore. Maybe they should listen to the elements.

The racoon took the oars when they reached the fleet and began navigating the giant bulks. Zoro gulped. He wasn't easily intimidated, but these ships did the trick. They had spent a long, long time under water. From up close he could barnacles growing on the weathered hulls. Curtains of sea weed had gotten stuck in large gaping holes bearing the marks of cannon fire and...giant teeth?

There was movement on the deck, shapes scurrying about. These were the same glowing eyes he'd seen on the hill, now looking down on them as they passed by. He heard fragments of songs over the howling wind, swearing, hollow laughter.

The raccoon stopped the rowing boat next to a ship even larger than Brook's old one. He waved excitedly. 'Captain!'

'Gaston!'

Zoro looked up at a pair of fierce eyes. That had to be Bonney.

'All right, now play it smart,' Zoro began. 'We sh-

Sanji launched himself onto some rotted netting lining the hull and climbed up. Zoro swore and set after him. He could barely keep up. That idiot and his pervert-powered legs! Sanji'd already gone over the railing and was lighting a cigarette by the time Zoro reached it.

'Welcome on the Lady Glaive.' Bonney smiled amiably from under his hat. His teeth and eyes were back to normal. 'I'm glad you decided to come. The more the merrier.'

Sanji calmly walked up to him and took a long drag from his cigarette.

'What the hell is with your crew!' he exploded. So much for holding back.

Bonney looked slightly pained, as if Sanji had just told him he had a dirty deck that needed mopping. Zoro felt rather pained too. The glowing eyes that had sent a chill down his spine...He'd been intimidated by...

'They're raccoons!' Sanji bellowed. The deck was swarming with them, all of them standing on their haunches and dressed in human clothes tailored to raccoon-size. Being night creatures their eyes _would_ reflect in the dark.

'That would be the curse,' Bonney said gravely. 'The curse of Mochi Island.'

Zoro snapped out of his square-eyed blinking. 'Mochi Island? Never heard of it.'

'Pray that you never lay eyes upon it. That place is akin to the very pits of hell.' Bonney shivered slightly. 'It is where my crew and I were cursed.'

Some complaintive, angry muttering arose from the crew.

'Got turned into raccoons, except for you?' Sanji asked.

'Notthing gets past this one,' Gaston muttered. He gulped when Sanji gave him a critter-on-a-stick look.

'She reserved a different kind of curse for me.'

'She?' Sanji asked, attention right back on Bonney.

'She Who Must Not be Named!' the raccoons chanted in tune with Bonney.

'One of the great beauties of the Grand Line.' Bonney took off his hat and held it against his chest. He looked between Zoro and Sanji at a distant point on the horizon. 'Her hair was as a wet fleece of gold and each separate hair as a thread of fine gold in a cup of glass.'

A new pair of eyes began glowing to Zoro's left.

'Her body was as white ivory and her tail was of silver and pearl. Silver and pearl was her tail and the green weeds of the sea coiled round it.'

Zoro groaned. The only thing worse than a pervert was a pervert poet.

'And like seashells were her ears and her lips like sea coral. The waves dashed over her cold arms and the salt glistened upon her eyelids.'

'A mermaid?' Sanji crooned. Bonney returned from that faraway place and put his hat back on, pulling the brim down to shield himself from the pervert twinkle that had burst forth into a lighthouse glare.

'Nay, if only she were. Her kind are akin to mermaids, but they are far more sinister. Sirens!' He all but breathed the name. 'Witches of the deep, beautiful and terrible, luring men to their doom with their song. Once you hear it, you can do naught but their bidding. They cause ships to sink and pull the poor wretches who survive down to the darkness with them. And some get an even unluckier fate.'

'Oh they can pull me down!' Sanji crowed. 'Pull me down to the darkness, beautiful _nee-chans_ of the deep!'

'Raving idiots should be pulled down and die,' Gaston muttered. The lighthouse glare focused to a menacing laser.

'What was that, you bastard? Want me to turn you into steak?'

'You're the ones who got an unluckier fate then?' Zoro asked, ignoring the cook chasing his favorite food group across the deck. Bonney nodded.

'She took a liking to me. At first I was overjoyed. The likes of her I had never seen before. When I first laid eyes upon her, I was as a doomed man. I didn't know how doomed, however. When I learned of her true nature, I left her. She didn't take it very well.'

Gaston, all four paws spread wide, sailed between Zoro and Bonney. Bonney plucked him out the air with lightning speed. His hand dropped to Sanji's shoulder almost simultaneously. It looked like a harmless gesture, but Zoro recognized movements that wasted no time or effort, so calculated and precise they looked casual to the untrained eye.

Zoro's hand flexed round Shūsui. He had to make a conscious effort to stop himself from pulling the sword. Shūsui was reacting. He could feel the blade's beckoning against the palm of his hand. Power called power to itself. If Zoro'd had doubts before, that one gesture by Bonney had cleared them up completely. He was strong. Very strong. If the man did turn out to be an enemy, he'd be a force to reckon with.

Sanji had realized it too. He'd flinched under Bonney's hand, just a split second.

'Now now, don't bully my first mate, boy.' Bonney patted Gaston's head. 'It would have been less dire had she not cursed my crew along with me. These poor bastards have done nothing to deserve this. And she made sure my curse was all the more terrible for me, by dangling a thin thread of hope in front of me.'

'A way to break the curse?' Zoro asked. He had a feeling he knew where this was going, and he didn't like it. He didn't like the fact that Bonney wasn't letting go of Sanji either. From where he stood, he'd be too late to stop him if the guy did anything.

Sanji let out a slow puff of smoke. The wind picked it up and blew it straight in Bonney's face. Really, what the hell was witth those freaky cigarettes staying lit in a storm even? Maybe Franky had done something to them. Wouldn't put it past him.

Sanji shifted his shoulder to shake Bonney's hand off. Zoro narrowed his eyes. Had he imagined it? For a split-second, he thought he'd seen the flash of a toothy grin.

'Yes,' Bonney said, his face grave. 'One night a year, I can become human again and my crew and I can come to shore to find my true love. When I find her and she agrees to marry me, then the curse will be broken and we will be free.'

There it was. The woman. Bonney had found his bride. Or rather, she'd found him. Talk about running down the wrong hill.

'You have brought her to me. For that, I'll be forever grateful. Thanks to you, I have found my true love.'

There were some weak yay's and some definite incredulous sounds coming from the raccoons.

'Sixteenth time lucky,' Gaston said with all the vigor of a wet mop. 'Oh, he's found one every year, easy enough what with his looks, but it never works out!' Gaston's eyes suddenly bulged. He stuck his tongue out and wagged his tail. For a second Zoro thought he was having some kind of a seizure, but then he realized this was likely his way of expressing annoyance. 'The captain has the worst luck with women. The worst! I don't know what it is, but he always attracts the weird ones. Why there was that one with the wooden leg-'

'Gaston,' said Bonney warningly.

'Not to mention there's the fleet getting dragged up every time. I don't know how much longer the ships can take it.'

'Gaston.'

The raccoon clapped its claws together. 'But that ends tonight,' he said, forcing his snout into a cheery grin. It was all the more creepier. 'Tonight he weds.'

'Like hell he will,' Sanji said, tone lazy, drooping cigarette teetering on the edge of his lips. 'She's not your true love.'

'Yes, she is, ' Bonney said.

'No, she isn't.'

'Yes, she is,' Bonney said.

'No, she isn't!' Sanji's curly brow twitched. 'You just met!'

'Ever heard of love at first sight?'

Sanji gave Bonney a truculent look. 'Who'd go for a kidnapping pervert like you?'

Zoro gawked at his crewmate. Like _he_ had a right to call anyone a pervert!

Sanji started, his frame tensing when Bonney's eyes suddenly glowed faintly. His mouth changed just as quickly, turning into an eager slasher smile of razorsharp teeth. Zoro hadn't been seeing things! He was sure now that was the grin he'd seen earlier, when Sanji had shaken his hand off. But why? Sanji was being rude to him, so why was he-

'I must admit, I'm a little disappointed. Here I found a lass to my liking, but...' Bonney lifted a hand towards Sanji's throat. Zoro drew Shūsui a few centimeters clear, then stared slack-jawed when all Bonney did was tap a gloved finger on Sanji's nose. 'Her fire is right here.'

He shrugged, face returning to normal. 'Well, she has many other redeeming qualities. Gaston!'

'Yes, captain!'

'Bring our guests to their room. We have a wedding to prepare for!'

'Aye sir!'

With that Bonney tapped his hat in greeting and strolled to the decrepit aft of the ship. He disappeared through a half rotted door.

Zoro walked up to the withered, paper thin white silhouette billowing in the wind.

'That must be the first time I've seen you get hit on,' he said pensively. 'So you _can_ score.'

It took Sanji a few seconds to transform back and explode. Zoro ducked and evaded a kick that split the air. Luckily for the animal, it passed clean over Gaston.

'Watch were you kick!' The raccoon yelped. Zoro had to duck again almost immediately and draw his swords when Sanji let loose a barrage of kicks. The mass of raccoons split apart, critters running to all directions.

"Knock it off, you idiots!" Gaston screamed. "The deck! The deck!"

It wasn't the raccoon's warning that stopped Sanji's blind rage. It was the sound coming from beneath their feet.

They looked at each other across Sanji's foot pressing against the flat of Zoro's blades. Then they looked down, at the rotting, soaked floorboards of the deck. Supporting the pitter patter of little raccoon feet was one thing, having the feet of grown men stomping on it at full force was another.

"Shi—"

'You idiots!'

The raccoon's yell accompanied them down a short fall to the floor below. Zoro managed to land on his feet, so did Sanji.

The floor creaked.

'You've got to be ki—" Sanji began. The floor gave way beneath them. Zoro managed to grab the splintered end of a wooden plank. Sanj hadn't managed to latch onto anything and fell through. Less weight coming down, so with any luck, he wouldn't crash through a floor again. Zoro reached up to grab another floorboard. His fingers brushed the edge of it when the one he was holding snapped off.

'Goddam—Whoa!'

He was plucked out of the air, a pair of legs seemingly coming out of nowhere to lock around his waist.

"Whu…." It was just about all he could manage, having the air knocked out of his lungs.

'What ho, flying marimo,' Sanji's smug voice said right behind his ear.

'Who's a flying marimo!' Zoro barked. Of all the undignified positions! Swinging back and forth from the ceiling between Sanji's legs like a monkey from a vine!

Sanji must have gotten hold of a rope or something while falling down. Zoro looked up. Yeah, a rope tied to a hook in the ceiling. Considering both the hook and rope were in as crappy a shape as the rest of the ship, Sanji lowering them slowly and carefully was probably a good idea.

They were in some kind of large cargo hold, but it was too dark to make out anything specific. What he could see though was that the rope had rotted about three quarters down. When they got to the end of it, Zoro braced himself when Sanji let go and dropped him.

He landed in a crouch, bracing himself for another fall. The floorboards creaked dangerously, but held.

'Is it safe down there, heavyweight?'

'Who's a heavyweight?' Zoro yelled upwards. Sanji grinned. He dropped down, dark flitting through dark, and landed a foot away from Zoro.

'Hm. Is it my imagination, or was there less creaking?'

'You just landed on a stronger spot!'

Zoro heard him chuckle in the dark. There was a click, Sanji's lighter snapping on. The grin on his face faded when he looked at Zoro. No, not at Zoro. Behind Zoro, with wide, horrified eyes.

'No-no way….'


End file.
